I closed 1 chapter with Que to go back and open another one with DMV b.k.a My love lost.  When my phone rang yesterday and I heard him scream in the phone "Honey, I'm home" my heart skipped a beat and sank all in one moment. I was happy to hear from him because I have missed him but I know the feeling I have for him will just rise right back up.

I told myself after our convo ended that I was not messing around with him this time around, I will not go down the road of heart break again with him.  Thats exactly why I didn't ask him when he was coming to see me or when he was leaving or where he was performing at nothing to even lead me back to where we were last year around this time.  With all that said why am I siting in my kitchen right now and he is in my fridge looking for juice? smh....its all like a blur to me one moment I was washing clothes and the next moment him and I was lying on the couch watching the playoff.  I know what happened I'm weak and just any kind of attention or a reason to be next to him  so when i called and said I'm near your house did yall eat I jumped on it.  he walked in the front door and all those old feelings came rushing back to me fast, I wanted run and jump in his arm but my pride and along with other things just wouldn't let me. Instead I hid my excitement about him being so close to me and focused more on that fact that my son would be so happy to see him.  I tried to keep my distance away from just so he couldn't feel the electricity that was bouncing off of my body every time get close to me. He sat on one couch, i sat in the chair across the room he side eyed my actions but never spoke one word of it until I returned from a bedtime run with Zahree and when I returned my nice escape chair was filled with his belongings jacket, hat, and shoes.  He trapped me and on the couch I was snuggled up with the man who made it perfectly clear to me last year that he just didn't have room in his heart for me his love was with music until further notice.  It felt so right and so wrong to be laid up with him like we had an chance of being like this all the time.  DMV stayed the night and never took himself back home, so here i am sittinf here watching him cook something for us eat and with those same old feeling sitting right here in my chest.  I know the moment I allowed him to come over I brought this all on to myself, just wanted to feel like this thing could maybe work if only for a moment.  I feel like i'm repeating myself all over again with DMV, our situation is totally different from Que and I but the disappointment is still the same. we are going to spend these couple of days together, party together and sleep together and he will be gone in all aspects of gone.  I guess for now I'll hold onto what he gives me currently to what he makes me feel right now. because as soon as he leave this space next time will be empty.  its like the same story different chapter, The only two men I have ever felt more than just right now feeling for just don't have a place for me. Why do I always want the things I can't have?!?

Baby Please Don't Go

This past weekend was the first weekend my son got to spend with his father.  All night Friday I tossed and turned thinking how this was bad idea to let him go and spend the night!  I only agreed to it because of Teddy's damn good advice, so instead of being the ignorant bitch that i am I just said yes to the idea.  Saturday When I woke up I dreaded having to get him ready and pack some clothes for him to take, I didn't want my baby to leave let alone leave with this new found parent.  Zahree's excitement was at 100 % from the time he woke up until he left me sad and lonely.  Zahree leaving has never been an issue for me before hell sometimes I wish someone would come pick him up it was the fact that his father was coming that mad me soooooooooo uneasy about it.  Him and I made the agreement that he would pick him up Saturday afternoon around 2pm and have him back Sunday morning by noon it was one of the hard decision I ever had to make.  I want Zahree to have an relationship with is father but that fool and stupid wife might have tried to pull some slick move on my ass and disappear just like he did to me and Zahree 2 years ago.  I know I shouldn't have been thinking the worst but I put nothing passed his ass right about now.  Every five minutes I had to update Zahree on the time and what time his father should arrive so he wouldn't bust at the seams with excitement.  I asked him repeatedly if he was sure this what he wanted to do, spend the night and all and time after time i got the same answer "yes mommy" Secretly I wanted him to break down crying and ask me not to make him stay but his excitement must have out weighed his nervousness. The time passed so so fast and before i knew it 2pm had come and gone....and no Moe to pick up Zahree  ;-( I watched my son go from cloud nine right back to the ground, i was thinking of a thousand different excuses to spit at him when his father let him down. I prayed that I wouldn't have to pick up the pieces from his fathers mistakes up and god answered that prayer quickly because the doorbell rang and there he was to whisk my baby away.  At that moment I wanted to Zahree to have an crying fit and need to be held and stay  with me but instead he grabbed his bags and ran out the front door without saying one word to me who was dying inside.  I wanted to cry and run after him but my feet wouldn't let me move. Moe and I went over the rules and regulations of Zahree and of course the make sure you bring him back line was threw out there just in case he got any ideas. I went to close the door and in burst my baby to make sure I was OK with him leave..."are u going to lonely while I'm gone? I left my transformer to protect until I get back" I reassured him i would be okay and watched him hop back in the car.  My heart was screaming baby please don't go as I waved bye but I know that all was for the best.


I spent most of my night waiting for Moe to call and say I'm bring him back he won't stop crying but the call never came so I was forced to accept that and focus more on my date who I know wanted ed to slap me for checking my phone every five minutes. I'm sure he will never take me out again.  


I guess this one trip is just the beginning of many more to come.....it better be the beginning of many more to come as much as I don't want him to leave he needs an relationship with his father and I won't stand in the way of that.

I know I'm little different from some the mothers at my son's school, they are all little older than me and I will add stuck up to go with that, I hate my son's school but he has learned so much while being there and made plenty of friends so I just can't see myself taking him out of it. I just don't like how they talk to me like I don't understand or speak English... think I'm a trust fund baby or got some rich drug dealer baby daddy but that's a whole different blog so let me stay focused. At least once or twice a month depending on my schedule I try and spend a couple of hours or entire day at my son's school,I bring them cupcakes ,fruit trays or any other goodies I come up with just something for them to have out of the normal. I usually like to go when it is show and tell day to see what each of them will bring and the story behind it.  I couldn't remember this morning if my son  and I had picked an object for him to talk about and nor did he remind me which is odd because Zahree is so serious about show and tell so he would have been on point with it. I figured it wasn't today and proceed to take him to school and spend a couple of hours having breakfast and interacting with the kids which I Love to death.  The teacher called them together for show and tell and they all ran off to there cubby holes and got whatever they had.  I totally felt like the worse mother in the world how did I forget to ask Zahree about his show and tell item, I searched my purse looking hard for something for him to talk about but stopped when Zahree said "mommy I already have something its OK" I listened to them all talk so joyfully about what they had and how it made them happy and different. My son was the last to go up and when he did he called me over, made me sit down and pull my hair back so his classmate could see my tattoo. He then proudly announced"this is my mommy and she has tattoos! does you mommy have one of those!" I didn't know what to say, we talk about my tattoos all the time I once told him that they were stickers but my brother later told him the truth because and I quote "Uncle D doesn't do stickers. We have discuss why I have them and when he can get one, he knows that one of the back of my next holds the most love for me because its dedicated to him, a key with angel wings baring his name I guess he just couldn't wait to show his class how much his mommy loves him.  They all took turns getting a closer look and asking my a thousand questions about it, my sons stood there very proud and answered each everyone of the question he knew with much joy and the biggest smile ever.  At the end the freak show which my son turned me into  he stood up one last time and said" I love my mommy and her tattoos and you should too!"

Exactly

YOUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the most often used word here in DC. I know I say it on a daily bases, Come on Young!!!!! 

Shout out my homie Tabi Bonney for this one. And if you don't know who he is Google him!

Yesterday I just wasn't feeling great and this morning when I finally pulled myself out of the bed after hitting the alram snooze 100 times I still wasn't feeling this week or the day. As I moved accross the house not wanting to do anything just curl up on the couch and sulk , my phone rings and it's my boss, who is also my father. I thought he was calling me to ask 20 questions about why he had beat me to the office and when was i going to grace him with my face but instead he said " Jaz, i don't know what going on with you but I want you to take some time off for  yourself and get right so you can be 100% you" at first I thought he was joking because My father believes in working unless you are in the hospital there is no days off   but he stopped being my boss for one moment and was my daddy, He brought a smile to my gloomy face.  He also informed me that he had set up a spa day for me and Teddy, plus lunch at my favorite spot Georgia Brown! because he hates for me not be myself and he guaranteed me that whatever I was going through is going to get better and he is here if i need him. I love that man to death! when I think he doesn't get me or understand that I'm not one of his son's he finds a way to let me know that he hears and sees me.  I have never been a daddy's girl i, it wasn't until  I pursued an degree at his alma mater  and decided to follow in his foot steps since my brother's wanted no parts of it  that we became a closer. People just assume that my father and I have always been close since I'm his only daught but no. He use to treat me like an outcast or odd one o f the group he was never to understanding to my female needs so we just didn't speak often or interact often. I now enjoy the relationship we share...our business relationship not so much but our father daughter thing is on point.  He is the first person I call with a problem and the last person I talk to at night! he gives the best advice and now understands my struggles which he can relate to in some matter or so. I Love my daddy more and more by the day....I guess u can say maybe i am becoming a daddy's girl!

Why Can't I wake up to this every morning?

My day would be so much more complete

My mother has been battling cancer all of my life it seems like.  She has fought hard and defeated it each and every time and not once did she ever say to us "if I don't make it" she always had a positive attitude about cancer and being able to beat it. She shocked me today when she said "Jaz, If I don't make it promise me there will be no sad ass funeral!"  I swear I heard her wrong so I asked her to repeat herself  "if this cancer kills me, promise me there will be no sad ass funeral."   My mother dying is something I try not to think of. My brother's and i can't imagine life without her so we never talk about her and death in the same sentence.  I would like to believe that my parents both will live forever but in reality my mother could lose her life to cancer and I never really recognize it until today.  Maybe I was just living in my own fantasy world and just lead myself to believe that this whole cancer and death thing doesn't exist.  I wanted to pull the car over and sob my heart out at the thought of her not being here next week , next month or next year she is the rock that holds us all up, if she is gone I don't know what we would do.  Its so much she hasn't seen yet my brother graduate from college, Zahree's first day of school, her children getting married I want her to be apart of all off that.  She has never before talked like this ever, never has ever spoken about her funeral or death maybe thats what made it so real.  I asked her if she was giving up an deciding not to fight anymore..she smirked at me a little and said "J, I'm old I don't know if my body can handle this anymore. I'm tired but i haven't given up yet its just too much for me to do first! Like find you a husband and your brother a wife" She wiped my tears from my face as she spoke it, eased the pain a little bit but the thought of cancer taking her away is all to real.  She continued to tell me that she didn't want a all black wearing funeral no sad song, flowering bringing event. No tears, no sad stories about her life and her fight with cancer, she didn't want to be buried in some boring suit that she would never wear on any given day. Instead she wanted a party to celebrate what she had accomplished during her life, no black allowed,no formal funeral wear,  alcohol flowing with her favorite drinks, and island drums playing some Caribbean tunes, and nothing much island food jerk chicken and the works.  And when that is all over you, your brothers, father and the rest of the family have something small so you can grieve in peace but I don't want yall to be sad to long make sure happiness finds you and them too!  Make sure your father keeps his head up and find love once again.=, I don't want him to spend the rest of life alone but make sure you give the bitch hell before you accept her. Just because i can't be here doesn't mean you can't be happy for me, i'll be at peace.  I never wanted to have this conversation with her and tired to fight her off when the words first started to leave her mouth but she kept talking. I knew one day it would come to this but I never wanted it to be today right now, i wanted it to be years from now when she was in her old age, death would be so much easier for me to handle. I asked her why she was telling me this and not my father, she closed her eyes and let one tear fall from her face and said "because you are the strong one and they are going to lean on you for help and if i tried to talk to them about it they would have ended it."  As hard as it is my mother might die from her cancer its more aggressive than last time. Its makes me sick to my stomach thinking that she may die but I love my mother with all my being and if god forbid we loss her I will be be a mess but her wish is my command.

Seriously, Are You Serious?

I woke up Saturday morning and felt like I wanted to vomit all over the place, thats how bad my nerves was fuckin' with me. I don't know why I was so nervous this man has me naked and watched me push out his baby so why was I feeling like this was my first time meeting him all together. I don't like walking blind into any situation and that is what I was doing the moment I agreed to have breakfast with him.  I came up with 1000 different accuses on why I shouldn't go but another part of me wanted to see what he had to say.  I fought the urge to call it all off and I got myself together.

Of course I got cute but not to cute just enough so he could see that I was doing fine without him and I took the long way to the restaurant. The whole time I was driving a voice in my head was telling me to turn around and forget about his ass let the court handle it but I love my son far more and I do all of this for him, so this was for him again.  I sat in the parking lot for an extra 15minutes just to clear my mind of all that was running through it and said a silent prayer that this all goes well and then I was off.  When I first saw him I was just wanted to run up on him and smack the shit out of him for all the hurt and pain he caused me and my son but with better judgment I didn't do so but with one false move I would have jabbed his ass ASAP.  He never really acknowledge by presence he just gave me the what's up head movement...stike #1 don't invite me somewhere to "talk" and don't at least say good morning.  Strike #2 came when her told me that my face looked fat did I gain weight! okay so try to hit me below the belt because you mad, cool. He basically wanted me to call the whole thing off because it was taking a toll on his family *Nicki Minaj black stare* he continued to say he was just young and wasn't ready to be a father so he split, which would have been a believable excuse if he wasn't 3 years older than me.  He wanted us to work out visitation days and child support options. I agreed to all that he was saying every other weekend Zahree would he his and one week out of the summer. I couldn't believe I was agreeing to this my mind was saying all of this is a no go but my heart made me agree to it for my son and only my son. I thought all was going well until out the corner of my eye his wife comes walking in.  Now I clearly remember telling him to keep his "wife" away from me. She is the reason I changed my phone # and had to block homegirls email because the lil girl was losing her mind and playing to much for my soul to handle. The old me before I had my son wanted to 2 piece her ass on sight actually in my mind i could see the whole thing playing out. He introduced us but I wasn't interested in that at all, I personally waned nothing to do with her, I really don't much to do with him either but because of Zahree I have no choice but to deal with him at least. Strike #3 came so as she opened her mouth "This is about your son so don't be trying to come between Moe and I" *side eye* I laughed her out and continued to eat my pancakes so I could skip out on the bill on his ass and go home to my baby but like i thought lil young thing couldn't keep her mouth closed " I hope he is respectful of me because I am his step mother" " ya'll need to make some type of arrangement about location of pick up and drop off because I don't want HER to know where we live." The words just wouldn't leave my mouth with all I wanted to say to many things was running through my head at the time. So instead of jumping up and letting my inner hood rat out and curse this little girl  out like i wanted to do oh so bad but the grown up in me voted against it. I got up from the table grabbed my purse and turned and looked at them and said "For one moment if you think i care about him or you shorty you got the game twisted up something terrible. I don't care about where u live who u living with or how many kids you have. all i'm concerned about is my son and what makes him happy but If i think for a moment that you or any other person is treating my son wrong i swear I will be breakin' neck and shit." then I bounced. For the Love of ray-j i wanted to throw my orange juice in her face and spit on him but since this is all for the love of my son I held it together just to keep thing civil and give him what he wants his father.

In Love

I brought my broken heart and myself back to DC and soon as I hopped off that plan all I could hear was Scarface playing in my head "Guess Who's Bizack" OH DC how I  missed thee. I'm still mending the wounds from Atlanta but I guess being home and busy will take my mind off of it...or maybe not.....


So the drown away my pain and sadnessplus maybe to find myself I decided retail therapy could be the only answer. I called up my bff and favorite fashion consultant Teddy, we hit the malls hard getting a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that but the thing that really took all my pain away and made me want to love again was this.....

When I laid eyes on them I just knew they were the one and my heart could beat once more!!! and of course I brought them in every color they came in. I couldn't imagine going on with my life not having them to share with the world in every color of the rainbow. I feel like in these shoes I can make the world a better place lol or least look fly ass shit at my next meeting.


And of course in Teddy fashion who is in love with Nicki Minaj I had add his flair on the whole life changing experience by screaming out in the store while i tried them on.."They say my shoe game crazy the mental asylum looking for me" along with the head gestures and blinking crazy eyes lmao  You gotta love his ass!!!

You Got Mail!

I scanned through my messages today since I wasn't really answering my phone in Atlanta, i need to check to make sure it wasn't a client going crazy because they couldn't find me. I really wasn't in the mood to talk or to really deal with much of  nothing I just wanted to enjoy this beautiful day in DC with my #1 man my son and just be a mommy. So as I listened and hit the delete button ..listened somemoe and hit the delete button I stop dead in my track when I heard this oh so familar voice speaking into my voicemail.  Its was my exboyfriend and son's father Moe! Now i haven't seen or heard from him since we sat in family court trying to work out visitation and support for my son which didn't go well at all so we are headed back to court to try this once again well , for a judge to try it for us.  Not once while we sat in this big conference room with a mediater  did he look at me or make eye contact. All he did was make excuses for his lack of parenting and why he wanted joint custody of my son. I matter where he looked at while we sat in this room I made sure I kept my eyes locked on his ass I jsut wanted him to feel the pressure and the fact that yep here we are doing this which we reallt didn't have to but he brought all of this on his self.


The message he left was simple and to the point "Jaz, Its Moe, call me We need to talk!" He wanted to talk now after I chased his ass for years just trying to get him to talk to me about our son who he just up and left. One part of me was screaming "fuck that dude, oh now he wants to talk" but the other half was saying "just hear him out its could work out."  it was so much running through my mind after listening to that message that I played at least 10 times to make sure i was hearing him right. I really didn't know if this was what I wanted to do, what if this call was him saying fuck you and Zahree and I'm signing over my right. I just was anticipating yhe worst especially since he hasnt contacted me in over 2 year.  Instead of calling him back i dashed to my room grabbed the house phone and called my love lost i have no idea why it just felt right and he always know what to say.  He talked me into calling him back and hearing him out, he informed me to stop thinking about myself and think about Zahree do it for him maybe this won't be an all bad situation  and if he gets out of line kick him and leave lol.


After about 2 hours of bull shittin' around I finally called, but as the phone was ringing i prayed to whoever that was listening that he wouldn't pick up but no luck with that because he answered.  We kept it short and to the point, he asked about Zahree and his how he was doing asked if he could talk to him and after all the let me avoid this he finally said "So Jaz I feel like we need to sit down face to face and talk this out before it goes any further." I wanted to scream FUCK YOU DUDE AND LETS TALK SHIT but i looked at the side of me and saw how happy my son was about talking to his daddy i couldn't bring myself  to do it.  He suggested a public place just in case i got out of hand we are meeting fro breakfast Saturday morning and I'm nerves as hell , about what I have no idea just nerves. I hope he doesn't get cute and decide to bring his wife who has been harassing my email for 4 months now or anyone from his "family" cause I'm just not in the mood for it.


Wish me luck and let me leave yall all his vital facts in case i don't comeback alive lol just remember his name Maurice Cage

Que...The Saga Continues...

I had been lying to him all day about my whereabouts just because I didn't want to deal with him today, I only got one more day here and wanted to make the best of it maybe do some shopping and go visit one of my friends who lives right outside of Atl.  I only gave in to his request to see me because he said something about Bone's steakhouse and I'm a fat girl so I was all over that.  Sitting across from him listening to all the big plans he was making for "us" I thought of all the good and bad times we have shared. some I wish I could re-due, others brought me great joy but at that moment I realized that I CAN NOT and WILL NOT do this him anymore. as mush as I want to be with him and love him I just can't go back and forth anymore. things are all lovely and great while I'm here we are just like two little love birds but once I head back to DC  I will fall far from his memory and he'll be back to entertaining whatever female he like. I once pictured myself with him...married, kids, house, white picket fence but it has become very comprehensible that is nothing more than just a fantasy or dream for me. I don't Que has any attention of us being together and why would he? he gets the best without having to make any type of commitment. I constantly make excuses for the fact that after 10 years we haven't made any kind of major move with each other, I say its because I had a baby, well he has a baby too its because he doesn't want me to have to leave my job and family and move to atl but he knows that I could set up shop here in Ga and everything would be fine. The list I've come up with is endless of excuses, they use to get me by.  I use to once hold out hope that we would be together so I never got to serious with any man, even the one who I knew was all that I looked for I let go just in case Que woke up some faithfully morning and said "Jaz, I'm ready".  I have got plenty of calls from him in the early morning hours but never to say that usually to say such and such saw u at the such and such with whomever and How you going to do me like that. Do you like that? he's been doing me like that for as long as I can remember and until I end this for good this saga will just continue on...and on. Tonight I shall make sure i get a good look at him and maybe even a good sex ok so no maybe I will get some sex i need that good bye thing before I call it completely over between the two of us. I wonder if he will even notice the change I'm about to pull on him or will he even care I'm sure which ever the way the wind blows him he'll be on his oh no Jaz i love you and we are going to be together shit before he let me go completely. I will be going back home with a broken heart to mend and a happy hour or two to hit to numb my heart.

Can You Hear Me

I woke up this morning to my phone ringing off the hook with my girl Keylowlow( I have no idea why I call that) sitting on the other end. I had a moment of hesitation about answering for her because although I love her like a fat kid loves cake I'm over her and all the so called man drama she is so called having. I usually entertain all her I think he's cheating, he doesn't take me out anymore bs if she only gave me the same attention when I call her with my new bucket of drama or just because I want to talk to my bff since elementary school.

Of course I pick up the phone because I know Key to damn well and that hagg will keep calling until I answered especially since she know I'm laid up In Atl with Que. I sat for 45 minutes and listened to her yell, scream and cry about the most stupid and childish situation concerning her boyfriend.  Her boyfriend who is a great man, with a job, degree, no kids and a good head on his shoulders but some reason Key is always trying to find something wrong with him. I know more than a few women including myself who would stand in the longest line to get ourselves one of those  and sometimes I doesn't think Key realizes what a good man she has.  Week after Week I listen to her last installment of  Why did I become his Girlfriend? with her playing the lead actress role. I listen to her make something out of nothing and threaten to leave him yet again  and her proceeding to tell me she didn't have this problem when she was with her ex who let me inform you is ain't bout shit. But like an supportive friend I sit back and listen and ever so often adding in my yeah girl and i feel you moment just so she knows I"m there. Once She has finish her venting moment I offer my view point which I know she never takes but I offer because thats what friends are for and when I think its my turn to talk or even discuss what on my mind she gone. just like that i'll open my mouth to speak and like clock worth she says " Jaz , Let me call you back!" and *click*  yep thats how it goes each and every time no time for me but I have unlimited time for her.  I want the same feeling that I give her undivided attention even when i'm busy and understanding her even when I don't understand but as of the last 8 months or so she hasn't even called me just  to say all her phone calls are filled with stories about her and boo. I just want a moment to enlighten her on whats good with me and maybe spit on advice my way but looks like I'm riding down a one way street.

My Love Lost

Hearing you voice today made all those old feeling come racing back. It wasn't that long ago we were sitting in my little ole 1 bedroom apartment talking about the future and what we wanted from it. You smiled at your millionaire dreams and I supported you with you being on the top of my game goals.  My friends often side eyed me when you were the only man on my mind, They were right you weren't usually what I went for but something about you just made my soul warm. You are the reason that I kept at my degree even after I had given up on myself, you were the push I need to get through. I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to encourage me and still keep that momentum with your own career goals.  I slowing found myself only wanting you and only you around no other man was comparing to you and what you were giving me. and giving me was just your support and undivided attention something the others weren't doing at the time. The more time we spent the deeper my feeling grew until those feeling turned into nothing but love for you. I soon would realize that as I fell in love with you your heart belong to music and she would always out shine me. She was the reason I took a step back and let her win your heart because I knew she was the ultimate fulfillment for you. She was the only woman who made you happy and you were only happy if she was around. Envy her I did and still do even now after all these years of us just being "friends" when you come into town from living the fast life and skip out on me to be with her I feel my heart skip a beat thinking how she still has you. She has you the way I wish I could and how I wish you would left me but you have made it clear more than one time that the only love you could have right now is music and she may be the only woman you ever love.  I guess that means i'll just fade to black, back to where we are now just friends but you will always hold my heart.....

Que.....

I told myself when this morning when i boarded this flight that I was going to Atlanta for business and business only but thats was just a lie to coach myself into finding a reason to be in GA... I also had to convince myself that so I could convince my father, who also my boss business was the reason i need to be here. Of course I'm going to do a little bit of work here and there but the reason I am here is laying next to me as I write.


Year after year i tell myself that I am not doing this anymore with him and year after year i'm right back in Ga  or where ever he is doing it all over again. This has been going on years 10 years to be exact.  I don't know why i keep entertaining this charade but i do. Maybe because he is one of the few men who isn't intimated by my success...I think i read  somewhere today "the more successful a woman is, the harder it is to find a man" and you know what i think thats true and  why i keep putting myself on his roller coaster with him.  I have let him interfere in alot of my relationships in the past from my first high school love to my son's father..he Que has been somewhere around. because of that i never tell him about any new man in my life or if i met someone because thats when all the "Jaz I love you...we need to be together" starts only to lead me away from whomever and focus on him more which means that he then will say i don't think this is a good time for us to be together...Ask me how many times that has happen?!? more than i can count.  You would think that after the 100th time i would give up but i guess i'm gluten for punishment.  I think i keep running back to him because he is one the few men who isn't intimidated by my success because he chasing his own success. i read somewhere that He  sees beyond these 4 inch heels and power suits to the fast car loving, sports junky , Nike wearing chick I truly am. But even with all that , this is just a game that we are playing. I'll work a litlle while i"m here spend whatever time with him..shopping, eating partying and of course fucking Que will make it all about me..no cell phone ringing, laptop popping, or anything else...fill me up with all that sweet talk about how we need to be and etc then i'll head back home and Que will drop me out of mind until he thinks that I'm seeing someone else then he will come back in ...over and over again that is what we do. I was once asked by my brother if i felt like i owed him something because Que has done so much for me and my son in the past but honestly no thats not it...maybe its just i want something that i know i will never have.  I thought I was over him thats when i was with my son's father we had so much going on that i didn't have time to think of him....but i lied to myself I would have left my son's father at any given moment to be with him. Que and I haven't been a couple in years  we were teenagers when our little fling was going on so in our late twenties this has just become the way we work. A way that i told him that i would get tired of one day and his reply to that was" by the time that happens we will be getting married" See its those comments that keep me coming back for more over and over again. ..Its like a continuing circle it never ends with him...He knows what to say just to jeep around alittle while longer.

I don't get it...

I just don't get females not all of us just some with what they do and say. Like really when are you going to put on your big girl panties and see the light.

For the past 2 weeks i have been getting this same number phone at these random ass times of the day 11:00am, 9pm, 3:45am all the calls have been coming from this one number. At first I thought hey maybe its an business call and work related but not 3am it ain't nobody talking about work. So today after much debate and endless phone calls from this number i pick up thinking maybe its just someone with wrong number and i need tell them so they can give me and Troy(my BB) a break.

The first time i answered its nothing but breathing on the end..so okay now we doing this shit...cool...I hang up and they call back ..I pick up and nothing but breathing again so i hang up and just like before they call me right back..I pick up and say can i help you and thats when it started. A females voice spoke with other famles in the back encouraging her to continue on with her foolishness.  She finally gets to talking about who, what, when and how of who i am and why my number was in her man phone...**straight face**  Why oh why are you calling me asking all the things you should be asking whatever boyfriends you are referring to. I listen for awhile with her rant about how her and him(who i didn't even know or remember for that much) are happy and don't need me coming around trying to ruin the happy home they have and how I must be ugly if i have to chase someone else's man oh and i can't forget the waiting to exhale moment and adding there two cents in via the background...lol...it was just comedy.  Once she became silent I realized it was my time to talk and i simply said I have no idea who Tony is and my number its passed around often because i'm in the real estate business so maybe you should be talking to Tony about this whole situation and after i thought about it for a minute....I do know Tony....he's doing a business deal with my father and I  so that exactly why Tony would have my number...smh...I wanted to jump through the phone a slap her right in the back of the head for all her stupidity...I just don't get it sometimes Why do some females do these type of things? Why didn't she just check with him first before calling my phone embarrassing him and herself with all this non sense about why u calling my man. And if i was the other woman Why would you think i would tell you anything about anything with him and I?  Maybe I've just never been the type of  female who jumps the gun in situations like that....You need to investigate before you go on a head hunting spree on contacting all the females he is socializing with...How is that going to solve anything that is going on at that time. and why u mad at the female...why not take ur beef to the man who is out here doing the trickin'...I just don't get it

Morning Madness

I've been sitting in this lobby for family court for an hour waiting to be summons in so we can get this shit right here started. I definitely have my game face on and every time my father asks me i'm I okay I want to scream hell naw and lay across his lap and cry but something in me won't let me.


Four years ago when my son was born I never thought in a million years i would have to hunt his father down and brings things to a head like i'm doing now...smh.. At first I was just going to let this whole situation burn but that would have been letting him off to easy. We both made him...chose to keep him and its now Just I who is taking care of him.  Its ME who wipes his tears, plays football with him, make sure he's ok  I'm the one who is his mother and his father.  This whole situation is strange to me because him and I were together for years and when i found out I was pregnant with Zahree he was all hands on deck..Dr.'s appt, naming, being supportive he was doing it all and when our baby boy made his appearance he was all hands on deck he was super daddy did everything plus more for him but shortly after  Zahree's 2nd birthday his father became a thing of the past. First he broke up with me, moved out and to  Miami...then over a course of maybe 4 months he just dropped off the face of the earth...His phone calls stopped, money wasn't getting sent anymore and he changed his number...plus his family tried to sell me the dream that they had no idea where he was or what he was doing...sure ya right.  But it was cool my parents didn't raise no fool so i did what i had to do to proved for him...long hours at work...working weekends whatever it took by any means necessary and that hustle still continues to this day. At first i was just going to take the L and continue on without him being around but Zahree is just as much as his responsibility as he is mine. I got accused of being jealous and vendictive because he had moved on with is life had another baby and found himself a well paying job.....LMAOOOOOOOOOOO....Never that at all....I will admit finding out he was playing house did rub me wrong becasue he was giving my son the short end of the stick but this whole thing was never about money which his family thinks i'm after.I think they may have forgot that I do well all on my own so it is not about the money its the principle of it all.  How dare you erase my son from your life like he doesn't matter. I'm the one who has been faced with the why my daddy don't love me questions and Is today the day my daddy is coming to see me today? and I'm tired of not having answer for him and I'm tired of it...its his turn to have a answer for him. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy battle and he proved that to me the last time we were here a couple of months ago when he asked for an DNA test and for partical custody which i knew he was going to do he is always trying to prove a point...i don't know what the point is he trying to make but it isn't hurting me at all. I just want him to step up and play his part in my sons life all this extra shit i don't care about.....Even if the judge denied me child support i wouldn't phase me at all thats not what i'm seeking all i want is for his father to be apart of his life..


I think i just heard my name...lets pray that this all goes well.

With My Thoughts....

When did lace front wigs just take over the world like this?!? Because I wasn't ready...

So when does having an education and knowing how to speak to people make me any less black than before

I wonder if dudes know that we share these dick pics with all our friends and shit..lol

6 month ago i decided to become an vegetarian.... but I want steak like rrrrrrriighhhhhhhhhttttttt nnnnnnnooooooww.

Love is overrated

So How many more women does Ben Roethlisberger have to rape before we  classify his ass as a damn rapist?

I need to get an reality show so the world can see the foolishness I witness everyday..

It had to be man who invented the bra cuz  a woman would never do this to me...

Why do men watch sports center over and over again like it changed from when u watched it 2 seconds ago

Boys lies...and they are not very good at it...

Atlanta.....I love you and hate you all wrapped up into one *books flight*

I hate having sex with him...i just want him to lay in my bed at night and then leave in the morning all this extra stuff feels like we dating and clearly we can't have that...

More thoughts to come....

Once again its just me and my boo Terri  (my blackberry) sitting together always like we are joined at the hip. Watching all of these people walk in and out of these door...sometimes i wonder who will make back to see the next visit and who will have gone on to a better place.  I despise these day more and more every time I'm here, its like can smell death in the air.  Chemotherapy has become a way of life for me over the past 20 years...I have been here many times with My grandmother, Aunt and now my mother once again. I was around 6 years old when my mother had to explain to me what breast cancer was and why my grandmother who we call Nay was so sick and tired. I watched her go from this upbeat southern belle to me not even recognizing who she was. She won that battle but by the time i was 15  my Mother, Aunt and Nay were fighting the same battle all at the same time, so this waiting room is just second nature to me.  Nay's elling body couldn't fight the battle with cancer anymore and she passed away on my 16th birthday..10 minutes before my sweet sixteen party was about to start. I knew that morning as i visited with her that it was going to be the last moment we shared together on god's green earth and i had come to terms with that. Nay alway made sure us grandkiddies as she would say was prepared for that faithful day and that we were. As for my Aunt...my mother's Twin she only had to fight that cancer battle one time..thank god and has since been cancer free for almost 11 yrs and counting. My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky  she's battling breast cancer once again for the third time..day in and day out i watch my mother's weak frame try to keep everything as normal as possible for us especailly for my little brother who is off in college in  whole another time zone. She doesn't like all that hoopla surrounding her she would rather we never talk about it but how can we not it has been apart of us for so long. The last time my mother embarked on this journey i was 20 yrs old and a junior at HU.....she didn't want me nor my brother who off at FAMU to worry about her so she held off as long as she could about telling us. I thought my mother was going to die....her cancer became a little bit more aggressive and she was losing her fight.  The day before her last round of chemo i sat in this very spot, in this room and prayed to God, Allah, Buddha and whoever else was listening not to take my mother away so soon and i guess my prayers were heard by them all because she went to remission. Now we are back hear again fight this once again....i already prayed to all the god once again for the sacrifice of my mother and just letting her stay with us a little while longer she hasn't been here long enough. I don't know if they heard my prayers this time but shall soon find out in a couple of months when this all come to an end....

I'll keep u posted