Big Secret #31

We don't get to see much of my older brother Los because he spends most of his time hooping overseas. He's usually here for maybe a month or two and then gone from anywhere from 4 months to a year it just depends on where and who he is playing for. Needless to say since we don't see him much i can't be all up in his business with his love life, He never really talks about too many girls nor does he bring them around. My mother asks him all the time when is he going to stop hiding his women and bring them around so we can feel them out he usually laughs it off and says "Mom, I'm too busy for a relationship and beside who needs anymore women in life when I have you and Jaz." Good answer brother but I knew all of that was BS.  Los is just a private doesn't like too many people in his business and I can respect that 100%. I truly wasn't ready for the bomb he dropped on me this morning. He walked into my front door after being out all night I assumed he was partying it and drinking, laughing doing whatever men do. He threw himself on the couch and screamed for me to come down stairs. he announced that hi slate night consisted of my nephew being born...whoooaaaaa...I so wasn't ready for that one a baby!! I didn't even know he was seeing anyone...A baby! I could decide if i was hurt because he never told me about this before or be happy because I finally got a nephew to spoil. I can't wait to see what my parents have to say about this which will probably be next to nothing because he is far over the legal age but anywhoooo Let me introduce to my new and very first nephew all 7 pounds and 11 ounces of him..

Savion Carlos Carter

I was a little hurt at first because he didn't bother to share this with me or us but once i saw this little boy i was over it! I can't wait to spoil him!!!

'Thumbs down to him #30

I'm not saying i don't like him...I'm saying i just don't like him for her.  Her being my friend Azaia...I'm happy that she is happy but he is not the business at all. when i first met him I thought i  liked him or rather i liked him because she did but it wasn't until i spent 2 weekend straight with them at i saw him for who he really is.  Jealous, that stood out so very well, he can't handle no one looking at her and look to long then it becomes a problem.  She's a very gorgeous girl and most people double take when they see her,  I thought i full war was about to go down when my younger brother glanced at her far too long. Words were exchanged between Azaia and him but never my brother which was a good move on his part.  Now matter were she goes or what she does he swear every person in the room is in her face and trying to get after her. Controlling...He has to know every move she is making, and why she making and who she making it with.  I messed up an mentioned a trip to the beach soon and he just wasn't feeling the company who was coming he didn't know they are gay as can be it was just the fact it was another male and not him.  And if he doesn't agree with the moves he goes crazy..fight after fight, text after text just to engage her in an argument.   He has the habit of inviting himself  out with us which would not  be a problem  if he didn't have such a shitty attitude every time he is around and when he's not having a good day no one will either and he makes sure of that.  Excuses, excuses she has a million of them for him...why he does this..why he doesn't do that...why she has never been to his house the list can go on and on.  I'm happy that she is happy but he carries alot of traits that her baby daddy , who might add had no problem poppin her in the mouth from time to time, I sat back and watch him go from this nice guy to this monster in  a blink of an eye and now i see that in her new man.  I'm happy that she is happy or at least betraying herself as being happy.  I stop offering my advice to her a long time ago because she just going to do what she wants to do but she has no problem at all offering her advice to be about DMV and Young LA. I just want her to take a step back and see what i see.  She has been alone for so long that i think she just loves that fact of having somewhere no matter how he acts.  I wanna just grab her and shake the shit out of her hoping sh doesn't go back that path but i know it would just be a waste of time. I sat with my older brother and we talked about this guy..the good bad and ugly about him and he offered his advice to just back and let find out for herself but it hurts me to think that once again she could be with another monster. I sit back and bite my tongue for her and force myself to interact with him when he is around which seems like all the time.  I never give my view point on him too much because the last time i did it ripped our friendship to shreds.  I guess i'll stay in my lane not offer my advice and view point on him i love her too much to strain our relationship once again...maybe he will be a short lived thing and will be gone before things get too serious.

Mrs. West #29

Everyone was crowded into the room just to get one glimpse of me. I stood in the mirror looking at myself thinking what am I doing here how did i get here. I watched my mother place the tiara upon my head and cry tears of joy and then it hit me...I was getting married. Me getting married who would have known but here i am dressed in a all white gown with this huge diamond occupying my ring finger.  I turn to the left and see my BFF Shan standing next to me and next to her my god sister they must have been my bridesmaids because they were matching each other to a tee... Shan throws my bouquet to me and whispers in my ear "are you ready?" but no words leave my mouth. The Chapel door swings open and its a packed house some faces I recognize other i have no clue who it.  My father grabs my arm and we step forward...I can hear all the flicks of cameras and the whispers of how beautiful she looks...we continue to walk and I spot some famous faces looking at me...Jay-z is that you and wait a minute was that Diddy? what in the hell are they doing here? hell if i know. We inch closer and closer to the front of the alter and I noticed that preacher was no other than Teddy!!? what? why is he officiating my wedding and why is he dresses in a tiger print suit? smh  He's mouthing some words to me but i can't make out what he is saying and suddenly my father and I stop walking...I grab his hand tighter...he looks at me confused and snatches his away and walks off. Whomever this is standing next to me has his back turned but his groomsmen are full of famous face...Young Jeezy, 50 cent, common so now I'm extra confused.  Teddy the preacher tells us to join hand so we can begin and now i see his face...this is the man I'm marrying I don't know if i should scream or ask for his autograph.  He removes sun glasses and says "baby, are you ready to become Mrs. West?!?", he turns looks at the crowd and yells "Mr. West is in the building"  Kanye West the man who i am marrying? ...wait wait wait are we serious. Before the word can leave my mouth I hear a loud crash from behind us and look who it is Taylor Swift and she is running towards us...my brother tries to stop her but she pushes right past him...Now she is right next to me she opens her mouth and says" Kanye I'm happy for you and every but Jay-Z and Beyonce had the best wedding of all time!" My alarm clock screams out and I open my eyes...Yep it was all  dream lmaoooooooooooooo...A very entertaining dream might i add...So now my life mission is to find and marry Kanye West because I am in love with him...lol..now I'm back to work!

Jazzy Homemaker #28

I'm trying to become much more domestic! which was  recommendation by my Aunt Joy if I ever want to land me a husband.  Yeah, Thanks Aunt Joy for that!  First step on operation Jazzy Homemaker I have been tackling this cooking thing. I would have to say I'm getting better at it day to day, no one has gotten sick or died from my cooking so i think I'm doing wonderful.  I cook a new dish 3 times a week with the supervision of either y aunt or mother so this time next year I should be throwing down in the kitchen...well hopefully I will be.  The next step in Operation Jazzy Homemaker..learning how to sew! 0_o  Now this step I wasn't feeling at all anytime I need something repair or sewed I either drop it off at My god mothers spot because she a killer with the sewing machine or to Ming Tan at the dry cleaners and she works it out for a sister but in the word of Auntie"you just need the knowledge that it. Are you going to be running your husband's shirt to the cleaner every time a button need to be put on and close a hole!"  and I hate to admit it and i will never tell her but she is right. So the past couple of work along with cooking i have been doing a little of sewing! which I hate..I'm not the homemaker type chick but i have stuck it out.  Even after being poked a thousand times by needles, sewing things shut and cutting a hole in a pattern I finally accomplished something great....

With help from my Aunt we hit the fabric store i saw that on clearance and brought it home, they turned out much better than i thought they would probably thanks to Aunt Joy! I made these for baby boy it matches his room and he thins they are the best thing ever...lol..geesssh i love that little boy!!

Jazzy homemaker is on her way to the top!!!!  look out Martha cuz i'm on my way!! lmaooo

Comments #27

Let's mark this day 3 and still no lights!!! Well no lights aqt home...you know that the work lights are full force and working ( rolls eyes).....

I don't have much time to blog today but i shall try a get this one out real quick...

I have enjoyed these last 27 days of blogging it has given me time to get all that is on my mind out!! From DMV to my father it has made its way here.  The most enjoyable part of this blogging is the comments!! yaaayyy for comments!!! lol anyway I love reading what people have to say from disagreeing to agreeing or just offering their support I appreciate it all.  I think i have been slacking on y comments though I offend pass through Starrla and Unpretentious spot often and I like the fact they go back and comment on the comments that are left behind by there followers. I love it to be honest with you! I think it gives great insight and dialogue to what they have written, because them I have decided that I will be come a better blogger and follow in their foot steps!!! I often read my blog comments that have questions or needed ME to respond and just answer to the open air...wrong it is but i didn't think people would even go back and read them but hey if i go backto read what they write to me maybe people are doing that for my blog  and i am letting them down each and every time...lol well maybe not all that but you get my drift right?!?


lets say a prayer that when i go home today the lights have returned because i can't live like this no moooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee (sobs)

Black Out #26

The house is a crisp 85 degrees...the food in the fridge is spoiling, the ice has melted, no computer, tv or radio since Sunday at 4:15pm.  Yep, that was the last time i saw my house while inn motion. i was sitting at my kitchen table reading a book to Zahree when i severe thunderstorm ripped through the dmv....it left me without any electricy!!  Last night we stayed here in the house it was nice to have peace and quiet but that soon flew out the window today when my house started to feel like a little bit of hell and  Zahree and I got restless with nothing to do.  So currently posted up at DMV's house because he heading out of town tonight.  I'm happy to be somewhere with air but me being who i am i also want to skim through his belongings.......wrong i know but hey I'm nosey.  I would much rather be at home in my own house, in my own bed typing this from my lap top but instead I'm here....the single mans pad.  Its not much for us to do here either but it beats sitting in the dark waiting for the lights to come back on tomorrow...yep you heard me right the lights won't be back on until TUESDAY!! they don't even know what time just Tuesday.  Going to my parents house is out of the question too because they are sitting in the dark too!! they went to a hotel today i was going to join them but DMV offered his place because he is never here.  I guess you can say we are on better terms but with him who knows one day we are hot the next we cold (shrugs) its always so very complicated!  i didn't want to get out of the rhythm of blogging for my 30 days so sorry for this random one....hopefully it will get better tomorrow!

ps sorry for the typos don't have time to read over (chris brown tears)

Breakfast #25

I always tell Zahree that the most important meal of the day is breakfast and that's why he has to eat it everyday.  Usually he is good with it we eat our cereal together with no complaints and then some days he wants no part of this breakfast thing at all. Sometimes I'm so busy in the morning getting him and myself together and making sure we have everything for the day that i don't touch an food in the morning. the other day we were running super late heading out that i just grabbed some fruit for him cut up into pieces drizzled with honey and gave him juice so he could sit at the table while i ran upstairs to get dressed. I returned to him with no more fruit left and a smile on his face he was so happy he ate breakfast with no protest., he kept asking me why i wasn't eating anything..breakfast is important right mommy? is all i heard rushing to the car.  I just informed him that i would eat once i got to work. I dropped him off at school and headed to the office.  I totally forgot about eating once i got there just to much going on. I heard my stomach growling about 2hours later so i sat at my desk trying to figure out what i was going to eat. I ope my purse to get my credit card to order something and look what I found...

I thought to myself where did this come from but i ate it.  Later on that evening I went to pick up my son from school he jumped in the car and said mommy did you get your breakfast i left it in your purse so you could eat it at work because breakfast is important right? I want you to grow to be big and strong just like me!!!


I swear I love that boy to death!!!

No Phones #24

At granddaddy's house there is an strict no cell phone policy that was put into place by him, he said we spend our whole lives on the phone we needed to focus on what's in front of us.  I prepare myself every time to be phone free for at least an hour. Its kind of nerve racking to know your phone is so close to you but so far away.  I find myself along with others running out to our cars to check our phone catch up on calls and conduct business before granddaddy realizes that we are gone. I'm ashamed of myself for always needing my phone but it holds so much of me o=including work that I have to have it by my side.


I often wonder what life would be like if we didn't have cell phones. I know that i use my phone for almost everything that is going on in my life. From Phone calls to saving emails, and appointments my blackberry hold my life.  I don't remember a time when i didn't have it along with my iPhone they are my connection to the outside world and everything in between.  Things with phones have become so advance that they you can turn on your car and set your alarm to your house.  I know it was just the 90's when we were not fully in the phone game but that time seems foreign to me like "how did they survive" is what my little brother says all the time.  I wonder how my life would change if this phone wasn't always glued to my hand or ear. How would it effect my social life or maybe even My family life. How would my job suffer from not having my phone because I  spend alot of time on the phone conducting business its how my client reach me morning noon and night.  Would I even be able to handle not having a phone. Almost every person has a phone and  some are dependent on them like i am and some are not so what would happen if our phones no longer worked...I mean no Internet, text messaging , bbm, gchat, aim, twitter, fb.... just nothing how would we all handle it.....would the world erupt into an uproar or would it finally bring peace of mind to the person who phone never stops ringing.

Field Trip! #23

I decided last week that Zahree in and I was getting out of this city and taking a field trip somewhere else. I'm tired of Dc and I don't get to spend much free time with him so we both need it. Our first stop The big apple.

Yep New York city!!!  I don't its much for children his age to do there but we will find a thing or two to do. He loves boats so a tugboat ride and maybe a helicopter ride above the city.  I know he really doesn't care he just excited to visit DMV while he is doing work there. Zahree is easy to please and as along as he lets his mother do a little shopping we do whatever he wants!! 2 days there and we are flying out once again....next stop..

I'm extra excited about this trip here because I love sesame street and most importantly I love big bird. My son has no idea this is were we are going he thinks after seeing DMV he are headed back home but instead will be meeting  up my cousin and her kids to enjoy the park! Zahree has been the last couple of months just want him to have some fun and leave all of the other stuff in DC...

I think I'm tired just writing about it..its going to be a jammed packed couple of days but he deserves it all. I need to rack up on sleep now because i'm sure none will be happening for the next couple of days.

RIP Godzilla #22

Godzilla came to me on my 16th birthday. I didn't understand why my father brought him for me I hadn't ask for a Iguana nor did i ever hint to it but he brought it anyway. At first I couldn't stand this damn thing who required so much attention but after a while I feel in love with him.  Godzilla went from being the size of my hand to being as long as my arm.  It was no surprise to come over to my house and see him sitting atop the coffee table or walking around on his own free will. Godzilla loved strawberries and taking walks on is leash. Over the past couple of months I noticed that he was becoming much more less active and not eating as much but i never thought twice about it. I recently took him to the vet who couldn't really tell us what was wrong with him other than that he was getting old. Last night i sent my father to my house to check on Godzilla and when he called me to inform me of his actions I could hear the sorrow in his voice he told me hat Godzilla was laying still not moving he didn't eve react when he drop strawberries in his tank.  I rushed home to find his lifeless body just laying still...Godzilla was gone!!! He had taken his finally breath and passed on to the pet heaven in the sky.  Godzilla and I had been through alot together from losing him in my house, me going off to college and him staying behind to bring home a new baby that he wasn't feeling at first. Our 11 years together were great and I will never replace him with another lizard. Truth be told I'm really sad that he has passed on and cried a tear or two for him.  We placed Godzilla in his favorite shoe box, took him to my parents house and buried him right under his favorite tree there.

So RIP GODZILLA i hope you made it to that Iguana heaven in the sky with unlimited strawberries and sunshine for u to bask in.

Nothing Like It #21

I use to think that the sexy think a man could wear was a pair of basketball shorts, beater and some fresh shoes..that this still ranks on my list of the sexiest things but now that I'm little bit older and deal with so many professional males I would have to say that my favorite thing to look at her a man in a suit...a well tailored suit!!! Its just something about it that just gets me day dreaming about what may be under it (wipes drool from chin) A man in a suit usually comes well groomed and smelling delicious.

I wear a suit can change the whole appearance of a man.  Its just nothing like a man in a suit to get me fanning myself and wanting to jump on him right there and then.

My First Love #20

My love affair with Devin begun around 10 years old in  Connecticut. My mother would send me and my brothers along with some of my cousin there every summer to stay with my Great Aunt.  And every summer like clock work until I was 16 years old Devin would be there waiting on me.  Devin Graham was the the little rough boy from around the way who hung out with all the older boys and got in to a but loads of trouble to me he was the love of my life back then. from June until late August I would spend almost every waken moment with the tall little light skin boy with the green eyes.  Every morning like clock my cousin Mia and I would get up grab a box of cereal, and some other snack and head over to Devin's house. We would always stop at the corner store grab some milk or juice or whatever else we could afford to have all day. Devin's house was a rough place his mother was runnin' the streets and he was left to care for his brothers so the least we could do was make sure they ate from time to time.  My Uncle warned me  numerous  times to stay clear of Devin Gramham but I just couldn't. I didn't see the wild, aggressive little boy that the world saw I was in love with the walks in the park, holding hands and buying me ice cream little boy that I saw everyday.  Summer after Summer Devin would be right there where I left him and summer after summer was spent with him. I watched Devin change over the years the once mischief little boy who only wanted to break windows was now a teenager who just wanted to make money ....and by anyway he did.  I use to hear stories of Devin's actions from the other kids...the robbing people at gun point to the beating the hell out of a crack head but the Boy i knew was just full love sweet kisses and hugs.  Devin would shower me with gifts all summer long from the freshest Jordan's to the most expensive jeans Devin's was hustling and spending most of his money on us. The last time I saw him was the summer before my Junior year of high school, I snuck out of my Aunts house when everyone was fast asleep to see Devin one more time before I headed back to DC to begin the school year. I met him at his usually location I remember being shocked at the familiar but unfamiliar face that stood there his face was cold and his voice so intense not the smiley face soft spoken Devin I had grown to know. I spent the next hour or so waiting and watching the Devin I never knew. He whisked me away and we spent the next couple of hours laughing, joking and talking, that night was different than our usually time together it felt perfect to that 16 me. So perfect that I made the decision that he was the one ...the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with ...the one who I was going to give my virginity to.  And I did..and woke up the next morning laid in his arms....I didn't even care that I was going to get the beating of my life, i was 16 and in love. The last thing Devin said to me was You know you my girlfriend...I love you and see you next summer, i sprinted up the hell to face my fate.  That evening I was to return back to Dc but it was brought to halt by the gun fire from the corner store and the police who blocked off the street....my father couldn't take us anywhere until the crowd cleared out. I didn't think twice about the police or the gun shots that was the norm for that neighborhood I didn't budge or move, all my cousin's were accounted for along with my brothers so i never got worried at all until the moment I saw my god brother walk in that door.  His face was full of sorrow and pain plus sweat ran all down his body he stared blankly at my aunt and screamed....He's dead....they Shot Devin for no reason He's dead....Devin is dead...those words still ring out in my head and everything from that point forward is blurr...riding back to DC ad returning in a week to attend his funeral in which my Uncle helped his mother pay for is a blurr.  I cried myself sick for weeks....I had lost my very first love before it had a chance to begin. I swore I was never gong love again or love anyone the way I loved him.  I still hold a place for him in my heart to this day...My first Love Devin Gramham...I never saw him as the hopeless child everyone else did i saw him for who he really was the Real Devin.  If you walk into my dining room right now there is the last photo i took of him framed along with the last letter i received from him. He use to write me a letter everyday no matter if i was in CT or not I got mail from him.....The last one i got came days after his death and its simply said I love you forever don't ever forget that. I smile every time i see it and think of my first love Devin Gramham

Tatted Up #19

I woke up Saturday morning with plans on doing nothing all damn day long. Not at all did I think by 11:30 that night that my bff Low had me in the tattoo shop getting yet another tattoo.

Its all kind of a blur on how we ended up at the shop let alone me in the chair before her. We were suppose to only go the mall, out to eat, maybe the club and then home but for some reason the club got sidelined and we b lined it to the shop.  When we pulled up I was a little confused about what kind of club this was and I knew this jerk had brought me to the tattoo shop to hold her hand while she got her first one.  Of course she was scared shit less..lol..about the ordeal she even let a couple of tears leave her eyes...I thought it was kind of funny...that girl has birthed two children both weighting 10 lbs she tattoing should be no thing for her...she has survived child birth with no meds she should be fearless but Low is an undercover punk so there i was rubbing her back and coaching her into it.  After sitting there with scary cat watching all these other people get tattoos a little part of me wanted one since I haven't got one in almost three years....I am well over do..I didn't know what I wanted had an idea but just couldn't find anything that came close to it. I sat in the chair while Low debated if she wanted a tattoo and I told the guy my idea and he free handed this on to me..

I was worried that I wasn't going to like it but once it was over I LOVED IT!!! and I still do.  I had to sit and show Low that it really wasn't that bad...I was so lying to her that flower is on my rip cage a little bit and that shit hurttttttttttttt but I refused to show it to her. She did finally man up and get a tattoo along with all the dramatics to go with it.... Why she got this I don't know but it made since to her so ok i guess

Her nickname is cupcake and all her family calls her that but i just couldn't get with it but she's happy and i guess that is all that counts.

  But now I think i'm truly done with the whole tattoo thing for a long  time..I think I have hit my limit on tatts.

Versatile Blogger #18

 I can thank Kingmomma for this award!!! I love her blog and it bring me great pleasure to know she love mines too. 

With accepting this honor I have to list 7 random facts about myself

tag 7 other to do the same...which may be kind of hard because i don't even think I have seven others to tag so i'll try my best and once again tanks Kingmomma for the award.

My 7 random facts

7.  I'm deathy afraid of clowns! I saw the movie "IT" and it changed my feeling on them., I can't mess with them at all.

6. I have the word Intrépide, which is fearless in french tattooed in the inside of my bottom lip.

5. I have to have red velvet cake at least once a week. I go to my favorite bakery order awhole cake and eat it all by myself

4. I speak three different languages outside of English...Russian,Yoruba and Spanish.

3.  When I was younger my Uncle lead me to believe that my name was Kari so I went to school my first day writing that on my papers.

2.  I absolutely hate Reggae...(kanye shrug)

1. It's rare that I wear my regular hair...I usually keep it weaved up and wigged up.


So here goes my tags :

Sunshinestar110
Starrla Monae
DaBossBitch
ByHisGraceOnly

sorry only 4 thats all I got!

We Don't Like Him #17

Young LA and I have been seeing each other I would say since about probably April, he's a cool dude.  We stay laughing, playing and just chillin' together. he has opened my eyes to awhole lot of things and in return I have done the same for him.  When I first met him I thought he would be a short lived affair but he turned out to be so much more. I made the decision on mid June that if all continues to go well with him that I would introduce him to my family on the fourth of July and of course everything went great so i brought him to the family gathering. Its rare that I bring any guys out side of the normal people..DMV..Teddy and Que to a family function so everyone knew that I must be wide open for him.  I thought everything went well with that...my Aunts, uncles and cousins loved him and just couldn't get enough of that man he did wonderful so I thought.

Today I met up my loving father and my older brother Los to have lunch together my brother lives a busy life and is always overseas so if we can get one moment with him we take advantage of it.  I knew the moment I sat down that something was on the both of their minds they just didn't no how to bring it up. We small talked a little gave our prediction of football season and all that stuff then finally after a couple of drink my brother says whats really on his mind...

Los: Pops and I don't like that Guy!

Me: (confused face) What guy is that Carlos and Raymond?

Dad: Young LA...I'm not really feeling him

Me: ok and you los?

Los: I mean He just don't fit for you...he do too much...not my kind of guy

Me: Well ok..

My father and Los are usually the easy ones to please as long as he has a job and some goals in life they love the man so i really don't see what the problem is with Young La, he has that plus more.  I was going to inquire more about this whole union of not liking Young La but it wasn't the time nor place my brother will be hopping a plane for Spain in two days just wanted to spend qt before he's gone.  Al ot of things ran through my head after this little talk we had ...they never said that about any man I have brought around...DMV they love him...him and my brother are the best of friends because of me....Que my father loves him thinks he's the best thing since the telephone had been invented..Los fucks with him too.  I don't know if its the fact that Young La is so confident in himself which as be sen has cocky but that's how i am too or that he is kind of flashy but so is my father and Los...or maybe its just they see too much of themselves in him. I thought Los would love Young LA they have lots of stuff in common from Basketball to love for cars they share all of that but Los wouldn't know that because now he stuck on I DON"T LIKE THIS DUDE shit. My father i don't know about him i can't really see what his problem with Young LA would be..he was very respectfully and had a long talk with my father...hmmm....maybe it was the talk that led him to this place.  This kind of threw me for a loop a big loop..I don't what i should say or do about this whole thing.

Getting Married? #16

 I have been planning my wedding probably since I was like 12 years old. I have it all planned out for each season..Spring, winter summer and fall...I know the colors ...dresses...and everything but today I realized maybe I'm getting a little out of control with all the wedding planning i do in my head.


I was at the grocery store suppose to be picking up Zahree favorite juice and cookie when I got side tracked by the magazine! When i see that aisle its like a light from heaven shines down and I just have to go down it. I looked through it all from sports to trashy gossip mags I look at them all but just as I was about to leave the bridal magazines caught my eye.  I started flipping through one and then I grabbed another and another and another. i got so wrapped up in the dresses, cakes and favors I never noticed that this woman was standing next to me. i paused when she touch my shoulder and said" awww sweetie that gown is beautiful you would look great in it!" :-/ I smiled and said "oh thanks i guess but I'm just looking" She kept smiling and said "when"s the big day"....how did i know she was going to ask me that now I was about to look crazy " I don't have one" Now i was trying to step away smoothly but she had me cornered..."oh...really I'm sure you love birds will come up with one" I took one last look at this dress closed the magazine and said" I don't have one because I'm not getting married" Now I felt like melting away...the lady straight side eyed me and probably was thinking I'm crazy loved wedding crazy chick...I know she was judging me....shit I think i just judged myself after I look on it now ...maybe i get to wrapped up in my make believe wedding too much...because that woman could've grabbed my purse and walked off that's how wrapped up i was....smh...I need to do better.

Did Someone Say Cake #15

CAKE!!! Oh how I love thee. You have been around for a long time and have yet to do me wrong.  We sat together doing broke hearts, tears, laughter and just because you have always brought me joy on a cloudy day...hey you have even brought me joy on a not so cloudy day. I know when you arrived because I can smell your sweet smell from a mile away. I use to only be in love with the chocolate you....with the chocolate frosting and everything else chocolate too, but as i got older i realized that there is just whole array of your joy in the world.  From Velvet to plain ole pound cake all of the many sides of you have a special place in my heart and home.  My week just isn't completed if I don't have you by my side.  No matter what form I need you in you always comply and come through for me Spider man for Zahree's birthday or a pair boobs for Mom you have always done what i have asked  Every day a piece of you comes with me to and with Zahree to school we really enjoy our time with you and love the fact we can have you over and over again and you really complain when you run you thing.  My heart just melts for you cake..I wish I knew how to bake just to have you around more often but since I don't I'll just myself to the bakery each and every week just to have your sweet..buttery self with me.  I LOVE YOU CAKE!! lol

Dear Zahree #14

Dear Zahree,

I didn't know what love was until January 16, 2006 when you were born..all 9lbs 9oz of you.  I remember finding out I was pregnant with you and not knowing what to do...should i keep you, give you up I was just so confused..you weren't planned and I didn't think i was ready to take care for another person but the moment I heard your heart beat I knew what I needed to do.  For months I planned for you, read every book, watched every dvd, researched on the internet i just wanted to be fully aware of everything when you got here.  Your father and I saved the sex of you until the moment you came out we wanted to be surprised wanted it to be like opening a new gift but deep down inside I knew you were a boy.  I was in labor with you for almost 48 hours..pushing, breathing and waiting on you finally you made your appearance and you did  at 3:45pm and instead of crying you came out with a smile.  They placed you upon my chest, we locked eyes and I knew that my sole purpose in my life was to protect, love and provide for you.  I spent the next couple of days in the hospital watching every move you made I didn't want to miss one moment of your life.  Your father and I spent so much time getting ready for you that we forgot to pick out a name for you...we spent hours combing our brains trying to figure out something appropriate for you.. Jaelyn, Phoenix and Xavier were all in the running but we just couldn't decide until the moment your Aunt Teka walked in held you and started calling you Zahree you opened your eyes every time she said so we just knew that was who you would be.  I wasn't complete until you came into my life you have given me purpose.. You changed my life Zahree so much I never thought I had the power to love someone as deeply and strong as the love I have for you.  Everything I do and all that I am is for you...there is not a moment that you don't cross my mind or fill my thoughts. I take a breath every morning not only for me but for you too, its doesn't matter where in this world i am or how far away i may seem my heart beats for you.  Everyday you grow a little, everyday i want to cry my baby boy is no longer a baby but a big boy to think one day you will be a man and won't need your mommy anymore.  I just want you to know as long as there is air in my lungs to breath that I will always be here for you...form your first broken heart to everything else before , in between and after that you will always have me here to count on no matter what.  I know there is alot of things you just don't understand about what is going on right now but I promise that when you are little older you will see why mommy had to do the things she had to do. Zahree you are the love of my life,I love you more than life itself,  it shall be no man who will ever receive the love that i give to you nor shall any other man ever occupy my heart the way they way you have.

Love always,

Mommy

My fave pic of Zahree

Far From Over #13

The relationship I share with my son's father Moe is far from the greatest thing ever, we only really talk if we are talking about my son and that usually ends with us yelling at each other and me hanging up. But for the sake of my son I try my hardest to be cordial not only to him but his wife too.  Its only been the last couple of months that Moe has been playing a  part in Zahree's life...i had to hunt this man down, threaten him with family court and sit in a hearing just for him to acknowledge that he was his father.  I thought that once we established this and set up visitation and child support which is next to nothing that things would change just all around with him. For awhile things did he became much more active in Zahree's life...stuck to the schedule that was set for him and everything, came to all his karate, basketball games and even showed up for parents day at his school i thought i had just ran into a changed man but he soon proved me wrong.  Slowly he started missing weekends..forgetting to call him, not showing up for events that he promised to be...i watched him break my son's heart over and over again...never not once did i ever offer my thoughts of his father to him i just wanted him to learn who he really is.  To redeem himself Moe offered to keep Zahree a couple of days while I went on vacation with Young LA. Cool no fail no harm right....wrong while I was gone all hell had broke  out...Moe refused to return Zahree back to my parents.....cut his phone off and just disappeared and where was i a world away from it all. The moment i stepped off the plane i knew all was wrong and my brother broke the news to me...Moe had petitioned the court for sole custody of Zahree saying that I abandoned Zahree to chase Young La around the country. ..I spent almost 2 weeks not knowing if Zahree was ok...where they still here Dc...nothing not hearing his voice seeing him around crazy nothing my heart ached for him.  I couldn't believe that this fool would stoop this low but he had, I thought it was going to be a long time before i would see Zahree again well at least until our court hearing but to my surprise I got a knock on my door late one night and standing on the other side was Moe's wife and Zahree she said i just couldn't let him to do that to you....i wouldn't want that for me or my children" and then she left.  Zahree was back home..safe...and with me where he needed to be but my drama from Moe is far from over.  He is still petitioning me for custody Zahree along with a list of other things that just amaze me at how low he can be.  So for now Visits with Moe have been cut off and I'm getting ready to battle Moe.

I Miss Him #12

This morning while dropping Young La off at the airport I could only think of one thing and it wasn't how much fun we have been having since he has been here or that he had done well in front of my family still waiting on the verdict on him from that, all I could think was how much I miss DMV? Yep its true I miss him and I  miss him alot. Things between the two of us haven't been great at all...matter of fact we really haven't been on good terms ever since my trip to Boston with Young La.  We have crossed paths with each a couple of times since then and we just haven't addressed what his issue really is. The Last time I saw him was when he was preparing to go overseas for business. He stopped by accompanied by my brother...we all ate cheesecake factory take out...they played video games, he spent some time playing with Zahree...he tucked him into bed and he hugged me as he left said Ill call while I'm there and that was it...nothing more nothing less.  Every time he has called its been to talk to Zahree or to talk to my brother never too much for me....just the cold shoulder.  A part of me doesn't want to miss him and the other part is missing him like crazy.  Young La is great and I like him alot...plus he has been coming out of the gate hard but DMV and I share something that Young La and I don't. I can't really explain what that thing is but I knew from the first time I met him that our relationship would always be so much different than any I would share with another male.  DMV just understands me...knows me far beyond this mac lipglass and foundation.  I miss those candid moments we once shared, my running partner, the time we shared watching some our favorite shows, the laughter that would fill the car when we took trips, the words of encouragement when i thought all hope was gone, the poetry he would write when he was  bored, his little notes that would fill my fridge some morning and mostly importantly I miss him, my friend.  I thought about calling him last night just to see how he was doing we haven't heard from him in a couple of days but my pride wouldn't let me dial his number...I thought about emailing him this morning but  Young La was ready for the airport so I never hit send.  I don't know what went wrong between us...well kind of do know what went wrong.. but that is a blog for another day ...we are both just too damn strong minded to admit if we are wrong.  we both do things to drive each other crazy and i must admit we are good at it but i just want my friend back no more silent treatment, church hugs or rolling of the eyes. I just want one of our moment of playing the wii like our paychecks were going to be issued by the outcome of the game....I just one moment of us just going back to normal..us being us. I heard from one of our friends that he should be coming home sometime this week before he leaves once again...I wanted to be excited because thats what I usually would be but that cold shoulder is all i can think about with his return. Maybe this is a good time for me address what the problem is to just clear the air, get us back on track and stuff so we can stop acting like children and more like adults...So I can finally get my friend back

#12

Its Sunday and I am laying in the bed trying to get right so I can get up and get some things done...but i have no motivation at all. Nor am I in the mood to rack my brain for a blog topic so this shall be a whole of random things that have been on my mind lately....

I wonder how long DMV is going ignore me? lol he hasn't said anything to me in awhile (shrug)

I want to go swimming but getting my new weave wet is not an option right now......swim cap maybe? but i need to find a fly one do they even make those anymore?

My son's father is calling as we speak....(sigh) I really dislike him alot and I'm sure this call is nothing but awhole lot bs of why he can't come get Zahree (presses end button)

I told my mother and Aunt last night that i am going to marry the first man who ask me..why?!? hell if i know it just felt right to say...

I want to get my vajay vajay pierced but I'm scared out of mind....not that it is going to hurt but that it miss up my nerves and i wont be able to cum ever again in life.

Toy Story 3 in 3D...love it....Tyler Perry's why did i get married 2...hated it.

Who in the hell told Drake that he could sing because they lied their little heart off and why mus he sing on every damn thing why?

DC has been having alot of day parties...i don't know how i feel about them yet...so i wonder do people get drunk at those like they do when u go the club at night...

hmmmm i think that is all until later...maybe I'll have something to blog about come Monday

Our Morning Date #10

My favorite time of day isn't at night when my son is wrapped up tight in his bed having sweet dreams....its first thing the morning when his brightly lite face comes running into my room screaming "mommy I'm here" Yes bright  and early every morning Sunday-Saturday we have the same routine which I miss when I'm far away from him, he gets up around 6am-7am put his favorite spiderman socks on with his cape which i have no idea where it came from and comes flying into my room full speed with that smiles that warms my heart each and every time i see it.  He jumps on my bed does this karate kick spin thing and falls back onto my pillows....lol..I know one day he is going fall and hurt himself but its moments like that I enjoy.  Once his little show is over, he grabs my face and looks me straight in my eyes and says" Mommy I love you right..Can we eat some cereal now" he never fails everyday its the same convo in that order nothing new unless he is sick and then he locked up in his room not waiting to see anyone.  We both head down to the kitchen ...he picks our cereal for the day and I fill one big giant bowl of cereal with two spoons and him and I sit on the living room floor watching nick jr and have our breakfast together. Its our little moment our time together before my hectic work schedule comes between the two of us.  Its our quiet time when he can be my baby boy and me his mother and bond. I cherish this moment every morning ...its the best part of my day...its as if nothing else matters at the moment but him and I.  I love that man with all my heart and I just don't know how i lived without...my day just isn't the same if we aren't together eating cereal together...When I'm out of town no matter business or pleasure i make sure i call him wherever he is at so we can have our mornings together as if i was there.  I never want our morning date to ever end...it brings me peace to my heart and life but i try my hardest to enjoy little moments like this because before i know it my little man will be a grown man with no time for little ole me!!

I'm Addicted #9

I have at least 2 of these a day maybe more.  It use to give me wings but now I feel nothing from them...so you would think I would stop drinking them but I just can't. The first time I ever had one I spit it out right in the sink, Red bull is no the best tasting thing in the world.  I didn't swear them off at tat moment i did give them another chance to redeem themselves and maybe give me the kick I was looking for....just maybe....The second time around the taste wasn't as shocking but it still didn't taste very good but I continued to drink it and it gave me a Lil boost so I could finish out the day. from that moment forward i just can't finish a day out with out a couple of these nasty ass things. I can't even tell you why I enjoy them so much because they don't have any type of sweet taste to them.  I tired once to keep the habit cold turkey but it seemed like every where i went their they where calling and screaming for me to just drink...so i did!! lol..I did cut back on them a whole lot i use to drink about 5 or 6 a day now I have cut myself back to 2 or 3...that's good right? lol...This must be how I drug addict feels about drugs because this damn energy drink is like my crack i just gotta have it ! I may need to look for some type of support group so when I finally quit this shit I can have people to lean on.  I know that what makes this energy drink so addictive is the caffeine in it which I'm trying to "x" out of my diet...trying to only drink caffeine free things but i don't know if i can really give it up and if i do will i start on some new drink to fulfill my red bull fix.

Confession #8

I've hiding this from people for years and just wanted to release this and get it off my chest...I, JazzyJaz who is 27 years old woman...who has a mother and a heard of Aunts who can throw down DOES NOT know how to cook (hides face in shame) Yes its true I have no cooking skills what so ever!!! I blame my mother...lol....no its all my fault back in the day my mother would try her hardest to get interesting in cooking because she grew up in household where all the women cooked and if they didn't they certainly knew how to. I just wasn't feeling that whole cooking thing at all..I just wanted to run around and be me. When my mother was battling cancer while I was in High school once again my Aunt tried her hardest to get me to keep still so she could give me a lesson or two but I use to use my favorite line on her Auntie..I got stuff to do and when I get older I'm just going to hire me a chef!  When I first moved into my own place while in college teddy and I would starve to death..first we was broke college students and next we both were clueless on how to cook.  We use to call my friend Shan over and she would cook us a couple days so we could survive...lmao....Shout Out Shan Shan for that and get was good practice for her because now she's a chef.  I have come a long way from my college days of burning rice and cookie chicken that was still frozen in the middle but it ain't too much off from that. My son lives off of spaghetti and chicken nugget because that the only things mommy is good at!...Teddy even left me behind and took some classes now that bastard is cooking three course gourmet meals and stuff (cries)  I want to learn how to cook but absolutely hate standing in a hot kitchen slaving over the stove but I guess like my Great Aunt said of the fourth of July if I want to keep that tall ole cute light skinned man you need keep his belly full.....and Aunt Andy might be right about that because that man can eat non stop. So after much debate and battle within myself  I am going to learn how to cook asap. My baby is tired of eating fast food and the same ole stuff everyday!!! So this afternoon I'm taking a trip to my aunts house so she can give my first listen on being a big girl and she is giving my first cooking lesson of many move to come!!! lmaoooooooo...I love that lady because she knows this is going to be like pulling teeth because I hate cooking with a passion but I need to know if I want my son not starving to death...which he tell me everyday mommy , I'm starving ..please help me!!! today's lesson is Tilapia  fish tacos....Pray that all goes well.

I Did It For Dad #7

I never wanted to attend Howard University nor did I want to major in Business but I did....and I hated every minute of it. OK I take that back I didn't hate HU that much but the business program was not what I wanted to do in life, its what my father wanted for my brother who didn't take it on so I did.

Since I was 10 years old i wanted to teach, I had my whole college careered planned out by the time I was 13 yrs old....Attend the university of Miami..major in education...come back to DC enroll at grad school at Bowie State teach for a couple of years and then pursue more education..baby girl wanted a PHD. I knew what I wanted and couldn't wait to get accepted... hop on the first flight to Miami and begin a new chapter in my life there.  I thought the day my father was pulling me aside and taking me out on a date was to encourage me to pursue my dreams of becoming a teacher but instead it was the flip side of that. My  father had worked long and hard for years to become his own boss start his own company and by the time I was 15 years old he had done so and made life much more comfortable for us. He wanted my brothers to follow in his foot steps but they both had different plans for their lives and It didn't include taking over his business. We sat at this Lil hole in the wall spot that my father loves and just talked...talked about it all.  My heart was sinking as my father further let me know what this meeting of the minds was about...he never asked me to give up my dream just asked me to consider taking over what he had build for us. He told me he couldn't imagine turning his company to any other person but one of his children and since my brothers made it loud and clear that wasn't the life they wanted he needed me . I was about 100% sure that he must have sat back and practiced this speech a time or two because he had it down back.  I watch my father plead his heart  out to me and shed a tear or two...yeah that man really ran the guilt trip on me. I thought about it long and hard for months...On one hand I wanted to live my own life pursue my own dreams just like he had but on the other hand I could understand the point my father was trying to make..he just wanted to pass on what he had built onto someone who would understand and appreciate it.  So like a good daughter I pushed my dream of teaching to the side and decided to major in business ...You would have thought my father would have been excited about this whole situation he had won the battle and I would do what he wanted and get this business degree and learn his company to one day run it all by myself. But Raymond wasn't finish yet. I thought At least he would let me keep my dream of  attending the University of Miami but nope he wanted me to go to an historic black college which I wasn't against I even offered FAMU has my options but he wasn't going for it. he wanted me right at his old stomping ground Howard University right here in DC (sad face)  That was not what I wanted but i was just out trying to please my father so I follow what he wanted for me and not what I wanted.  Granted...I learned alot at HU...met some great people and even though i will not admit it to him I kinda of loved being so close to home. I have learned alot since joining my father and continue too plus the money is great but it wasn't what I wanted it was just what I settled on for him...My Daddy...So I decided a week ago that I am going back to school but not to pursue a master's in business but to get an degree in education!!!!!!!! I haven't dropped this bomb on my father yet even though its not much he can say I'm grown I can do what I want.  I'm not saying I'm giving up on my father's company or leaving him I'm just saying maybe in the future I'll do this real estate thing part time and teach too who knows i just fill like its something I need to do..So I'm going to do it.

Celebrating Life #6

I don't remember if i mentioned this or not but if i did I'm doing it again. My mother's cancer is officially in remission! Thank god for sparing her and leaving her in our lives for yet another year, some more smiles, cries and good and bad days it doesn't matter I'm just grateful that my mommy has beaten this once again and I still have her here. me along with her friends decided when my mother finally fought cancer off for the three time that would throw her a celebration of life!! Something to celebrate her strong and hard fight against cancer a battle she has won for the third time around.

I had to round up the troops to help me with this one i know my mother wouldn't want us to go out our way for her but that woman is amazing and fighter we need to celebrate her. The theme...Think pink. Yep pink everything to show our support for the fight against breast cancer.  Specialty pink drink called the survivor in her honor...I sat down my brothers and father to put a list of her favorite food together so we can turn them to finger foods and of course the cake which shall look similar to this...

I saw it and fell in love with it!

I had to seek out her favorite ole school DJ so he can have the music spinning all night long.  I thought about having this party at my parents house but since the guest slowly inched up to 200+ people, my father decided to rent a reception area at one her favorite hotels in VA so this has turned into a whole production but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Everyone is required to wear some pink..not all pink but pink..a pink tie, shirt pants dress just pink. the only person allowed to wear something outside of pink shall be my mother who i haven't decided but something goes along with pink but not pink i need her to stand out and be the center of attention...all eyes on her.  My father along with a couple of people he does business with have put some $$$ together our making an donation in honor of my mother to the Susan G. Koman  foundation. Shout out to my daddy for putting that all together and stuff he can be the best of the best sometimes.  Each guest will receive some type of little gift to remember this occasion and to let them know a donation was made for the fight against breast cancer for them. Of course we will also be accepting and collecting donations at the party...We have to make sure this race for the cure continues on. 

All in all we just want her to let loose and be happy..celebrate for awhile just lift all that weight of the past year be rolled right off on to the dance floor! I also want her to see how much we love her and admire her for her strength.

Thank God #5

I'm a post behind in my challenge already (hangs head in shame) Sorry Had a long July 4th night and needed Monday to re coop and getting out the bed was not a option.

I count my blessing everyday and thank god for the positive men he has placed in my son's life.  When Zahree father left us years ago I thought who was going to show him how to be a man...who was going to guide him the way a father should? Its true that women can raise men but I wanted him to also have a man in his life to give him that extra push.  I was so hurt that his father would just walk out on him, his only child at the time..well the only child i knew about and leave him to find a father in another man.  I watch all the men around me rally together to make sure that Zahree had men...positive men to look up to.  My father..Pop-Pop to Zahree rubbed my back one afternoon and said as long as I'm breathing baby boy will always have a father in his life and he held that to be true and he continues to father my son as if he was raising my brothers all over again.  My brothers also grabbed the surrogate daddy torch and make sure that Zahree has them for all of his needs..I know just like me they want him to have the kind of father that we grew up with only he's special and he has more than one man his life giving him the experience that we had.  Of all the positive me in Zahree life his god father B has really taken over the role as main man in his life.  B was one of the first faces Zahree saw when he popped out of the womb, the second person to hold him and his first visitor when he got home.  B and I have have been friends since birth, I love him as if he was family.  He has been here to wipes tears, scream at soccer games and just be the "daddy" that he needs in these early years of his life.  My son has always known who his father is but he has been calling be Daddy for a couple of years now. He looks for B for approval, advise and just love. Home-made father's day gifts, hugs, kisses and class field trips are all for B the man who took Zaharee on as his own.  I listen to some of my family and friends talk their children not having a father in there lives and it just breaks my heart I wish I could give each and everyone of them one of the men who occupy the father slot in my son's life but i can't so I thank god each and everyday for them...the love they give my son, the role models they have set and just being what he needs in his life. I'm grateful for them.

Sunday Morning bliss #4

One Sunday a month we all gather at my parents house to have brunch and be together. My father started this years ago right after my Uncles passed he said he missed out on so much time to be with him he never wanted to feel that sorrow again if any of his family should pass on. Like clock work the 2nd Sunday of each month is dedicated to family.  Its nothing too special just all of us, Aunts, Uncles, cousin, grandparents, my parents and brother get together so we can be together. Often we get so caught up in our lives that we never take time out to breath and be with family because without them who would we have.  this Sunday far more special than any of the other because its not breakfast we getting Daddy is firing up the grill so we can cook out for the fourth!!  Plus, this is the first time Young LA will be introduced to the clan...let's just say I'm nervous about it all but I'm sure will be able to hold his own.  Usually Sunday morning at my parents is filled with smell of orange juice, champagne and bacon rubbing on your taste buds. We get together and just catch up on what each and everyone of us is doing. the kids run around screaming, video games are being played and there is nothing much love and laughter in the air.  I live these Sunday's of pure bliss, it like all that was riding your back and wearing down before you walked in the door is release if only for a couple of hours. I love watching my little cousins grow up and giving my crazy uncle the side eye for asking me to put him on with my friends but most importantly I love the togetherness of family. There was a time when we only saw each other at wedding and funeral..only spoke when Pookie went to jail or Sharai got pregnant for 100th time. My father laid that to rest when his older brother died, it changed his life and changed all our lives. My Uncle's body sat in the morgue for 2 weeks before any of the fam noticed he was missing..that made my father sick to his stomach how could we ll have gone such a long time without seeing or speaking to each other. The heartache of losing him pulled us all together and now we now don't go a month without seeing or speaking. If you can't make it to Sunday mornings then you better make sure you call and check in that's what my my daddy always says.  Sunday Morning bliss is what makes me love my family it makes me realize how good I have it. T o think of couple years ago I would have passed up with whole family event because I just wasn't into all this...now it is what warms my heart and makes me smile!

Movin' Up #3

This is home for now

I brought my first home at 22, it was the most amazing feeling ever i felt like an adult for once! It is a nice little townhouse with everything I need at that time and enough room for me and Zahree'. I actually love the hell out of this house, it was the first one i saw and the only one I wanted and i got it. I've changed a couple of things about it to fit my needs and its all tha I wanted but now I feel like i have out grown this spot.  I got alot of of stuff than I had at 22 and now space is hard to come by.  Zaharee is much older now and requires so much more space and I want a back yard for him and Lulu to run around in and for me to have a cook out or two in.  We just need more space, so this morning i made the descion to rent this spot out and buy a single family home!!!!!!!!!!! I know this is probably not a good time to be switching up how we live with the world being the way it its but if not now than when?  I already have pulled up some spots I want to check and called up a friend who would happy to show them to me.  I know what I want I see it in my head and this time I refuse not to have it and have to put it in myself.  This move will be our last for along time unless I move another city or state or something which we shouldn't hold our breath on because the DC is home and I plan to be here forever.  I'm thinking a house with a ok size back yard not too big not too small...a 2 car garage...and at least 4 bedrooms I plan to have more kids one day and if not maybe adopt a child or two. So the hunt  is on....wish me luck!

The house I want to call home!