Theodore #2

I met Teddy my first year at Howard University...he sat next to me in a math class we took and failed together...lol. He was what I need at the time juts somebody to support and help me get through these next 4 years of school with my bulimia riding on my back. He was the one who opened my eyes to ME and how beautiful I really was.  He stood with me in the mirror when I was seeing nothing but fat and ugly and he also grabbed me when I tried to flee to the bathroom to let go of all of the fridge I had stuffed down my throat.  While Teddy was helping me he was also trying his hardest to hide who he really was. The moment I met him I didn't really know what he was....one minute he was as manly as can be and the next I felt like I was chattin' it up with one of my friends. I felt like he was two different people at time Theodore when we walked around campus and Teddy when we where alone in my dorm, I never questioned or asked about his actions I just let it be.  Junior year off campus we moved and we finally felt free, even when we moved in together Teddy never changed his actions he still lived his double life.  The girl loved him he is tall, dark, athlete built, smart and tatted up they threw themselves at him and he always kept a bad bitch on his arm and in his room..so of course that just mad me think that him being gay was just something i made up in my mind. Teddy is one out of 7 kids...the pastors kids and his family was and still is all about god, the bible and church so I understood why he hiding who he really was.  Also being African American and gay is hard and attending an historic black college while being gay is even harder so i knew he was hiding it. Hell i didn't care if he was gay he liked and loved him for he was not who he was sleeping with.  I was laying  in my room phone boning with DMV at 3 am when Teddy busted in with tears rolling down his face...I hung up the phone and focused solely on him.  He grabbed my hand looked in my eyes and said " I can't live my life like this anymore...lies that all i have been telling since i can remember god wouldn't want me to live my life trying to be something that I'm not...I'm Gay and i just needed to tell someone"  I wasn't shocked at all, I've always known he was either gay or bi sexual, he told me that he was forcing himself into liking girl and having sex with them but he felt nothing.  I supported Teddy just like he had done me and we together told his parent who shut him out of their lives soon after his confession but he did have love and support of his siblings.  I watched Teddy finally become free...finally become who he really was. We graduated HU together and until I pregnant with my son who lived together, I pull some of my strength and pride from Teddy it take a strong person to be able finally come out of the closest when he did. Its 2010 and teddy hasn't seen or talked to his parent since the day he announced he was gay...I know this is one the hardest things in his life since family means so much to him  but he's my family now...my mother and father embrace him as if he was their own . I know It doesn't make up for his own family but I just hope it brings some type of confront to his heart.  I took much honor that he came out to me, that he trusted me enough to reveal his secret that he had been holding. From that point forward Teddy stop being just my friend and officially become my brother and I love him just the way he is.

My war within #1

I've been battling my weight all of my life, My very first memories of my childhood is being the over weight kid that no one wanted to play with.  I spent most of elementary and middle school years locked up in my room reading books and day dreaming about what life would be like if I had friends.  The only time I had any interaction with the children outside was when my cousins came over or when I played with my brother and his friends. My mother thought i was just shy but I kept to myself to avoid the cruel and harsh things that were being thrown at me beyond the those walls. I remember being 10 years old and putting myself on a diet so i could be just as skinny as my god sister.  I ate almost nothing .just crackers, water and fruit but that crash diet came to a end when i fainted while at cheerleader practice.  Over the next couple of years I put the diet thing on hold and just stayed closed up and alone no sleep overs, birthday parties and play dates..no one ever invited the fat kids to those events. High school came along for me and I walked into my freshman year as the fat girl once again...The first semester I kept myself invisible to the world I didn't sit with all the girl in the cafeteria....didn't flirt with the boys just school and home for me.  I did gain myself one friend that year Raina, she the first person in years who was nice to me, she invited me into her circle and now I had friends. She showed alot of things about being a teenager, she also showed me how to throw up everything that I ate. Yep, I found out overtime that Raina, social butterfly Raina was battling the same weight demon as me but she had found a way to control hers.  The first couple of times of shoving my fingers down my throat was a bust but after trail and error I had mastered it.  I would eat any and everything ...run to the bathroom shortly afterward and pray to the toilet gods, at the time i thought this was the best thing to happen to me. I dropped pants size after pants size, the boys noticed me, I walked with my head up and now I had friends, You couldn't tell me nothing. before I knew it Bulimia had taken over my life, it was all i was doing. When questioned about my actions in the bathroom I denied it ...food missing i denied it I did whatever it took not to get caught. I thought Bulimia was the best thing to ever happen to me, i was reborn long gone was the big clothes now it was the tight jeans and baby Tees.  I didn't even care that by the day i was getting sicker and sicker....my gums hurt...my eyes stayed red... always felt tired and I had a hard time swallowing but hey at that time i didn't really care. All I cared about was the sense of life and freedom it was giving me I was now getting skinny and that's all that really mattered to me.  Summer before my sophomore year is when my illness got the best of me and I was finally found out by my older brother.  For 24 hours my brother watched my habits my frequent trips to the bathroom, larger amount of food I ate he had started to write down every more i made.  One night while standing over the toilet pushing my fingers in my mouth he busted in the bathroom and caught me and of course the fight we had in there alarmed my parent which lead to me being caught.  I ran away that night i knew that now all i had become was coming to an crashing end, they would want me to seek help and that was not an option then. For 3 days I stayed with my much older boyfriend before my bff found me and returned me back to my parent.  I was kin and out of treatment and counseling for the rest of my high school years, it wasn't until college and I met Teddy who taught me how to love and accept myself for who i am..Thanks Teddy!!! Right now present day I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I'm okay with that! I'm happy with who I am and how I look! I can now stand in a mirror and like who I am.  Bulimia is a disorder that I will carry with me and battle for the rest of my life...Everyday i lace up my boxing gloves and refuse to ever let it win again!

Game ON!!!

I certainly hate challenges and I should be use to them because I got brother that all they did was challenge me and each other to shit all the time

 and I certainly do not ever turn down a challenge 

So I'm taking on the 30 blogs in 30 days challenge that Sunshinestar110 has passed my way.....

Being tomorrow I shall be on the writing thang!!! 

please pray for me

Well Ok!

So DMV and I had to double back twice to sure we were reading this right!!.........and all we could do was laugh and say..well ok!!!

50 Things You didn't know

1. What time did you get up this morning? 
6 am....Zahree is up and screaming around that time.

2. How do you like your steak?
Well done.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Sex and the city 2
4. What is your favorite TV show?
My fair wedding, Army Wives,  and The Game

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Los Angeles, Italy, or Spain

6. What did you have for breakfast?
a peach and orange juice


7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Fish!! I love Salmon 

8. What foods do you dislike? or rather don't prefer?
Pork...all forms of it
9. Favorite place to eat?
Ruth Chris and Zola's

10. Favorite dressing?
Thousand island and creamy Italian
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Yukon Denali and BMW 745i

12. What are your favorite clothes?
jeans and t-shirt...I'm that kind of girl

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Paris!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Always half full gotta see the positive in things.

15. Where would you want to retire?
Florida fo sure
16. Favorite time of day?
After Zahree is sleep and its just me with peace and quiet.

17. Where were you born?
New Haven, CT
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Basketball but Young LA has turned me onto Soccer

22. People watcher?
all the damn time. I like see ppl being themselves when they think no one is looking.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night owl
24. Do you have any pets?
Yes..Iguana named Kermit and a puppy named Lu-Lu

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo..but i have no idea where.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Neurologist
27. What is your best childhood memory?
playing chess with my grandfather
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog..We got a boxer

29. Are you married? 
No..one day I hope

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes..I ain't too cool for the safe belt (kanye voice)

31. Been in a car accident?
two or three of them

32. Any pet peeves?
Slamming doors and late people
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Pineapple, Pepperoni,  Onions

34. Favorite Flower?
Orchids
35. Favorite ice cream?
Birthday cake and moose tracks
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Checkers
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
None..my mother had scared me shitless so i had o choice but to pass it

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Tabi

39. What store would you max out your credit card?
Forever 21 and Macy's
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
hmmmmm..no 

41. Like your job?
For the most part...i'm my own boss so no one to answer to

42. Broccoli?
extra soft with cheese

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Hawaii with the fam.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
DMV
45. What are you listening to right now?
Pastor Troy...I'm in my gangsta mood

46. What is your favorite color?
Green

47. How many tattoos do you have?
Seven

48. What do you like to do when nobody else is around?
bite my nails and sometimes my toes...Don't judge me!!!!

49. Favorite Movie?
He got Game
50. Coffee drinker?
sometimes

Vacation Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 24 hours I shall be boarding a plane and soon after be laying on the white sand beaches of Turks and Caicos!!!!  I can't wait to get the hell away from DC and take a deep breath of fresh air and have 5 days of relaxation. Things here have been out of control the last couple of weeks I feel like I haven't had time to think let alone sleep. I need a break from DMV who has been working my last nerves since lord knows when.  He felt some type of way about me and Young LA ..(straight face) I wanted to care about him and his feeling but DMV sometimes tries to sell me nothing but hoop dreams and I just can't with him anymore. He side eyed me, stop talking to me for a while because of Young LA but that fool doesn't know that I know the last time he flew away from home he was accompanied by a female which he continued to lie to me about...soooooooooooooo fuck your feeling DMV! Work has been killing me softly, so much to do so little time and I don't want to see that office for awhile. Of course with wanting to get away I don't want to leave my baby behind especially since I know he is on a emotional roller coaster since his father has missed yet another weekend with picking him up. His little feelings have been all over the place since this 3rd let down. I feel like the worst mother ever leaving him behind to soak up the sun with Young LA.  My mother reassured me that is not the case and everything will be fine while I'm gone but I can't help but to feel like I'm abandoning him (sad face) and Yes Young LA is still around making my day a little brighter with all that he is and does so spending these next 6 days with him are going to be great.wee haven't really had much time to see each other since he was back home in the west!

I plan on taking some time off too just to spend some well needed time with Zahree. I know this whole daddy being around thing and some of the disappoint that has come with it is new to him. I just want to him a chance to chill and be a little bit happier. Thinking about Sesame Place  or Water Country USA just something to take his mind off of things but Of course I know he will want DMV to be involved in all this so I'm sure I'll have a blog or two from that experience (wipes sweat)........So I'll see y'all on the flip side maybe I'll have something great to say about Turks and Caicos.

Love

I just want the kind of love that my parents share.  They have been together since my mother was 16 and my father 18..that's 30 years of togetherness and 26 years of marriage.  They haven't always had the best of  the best relationship but I watched them and their commitment for each other grow over the years and become stronger than before.  They often fought and yelled and at one point of time in my life they even split up and went their separate ways.  I thought at that moment that my parents were done and over with but the love they have for each other was much stronger than what tore them apart.

I watched my parents last night as we celebrated the fact that my mothers cancer is once again in remission and god has granted her some more time with us(wow typing that just now brought tears to my eyes) and my parents anniversary that I realized that when I get married I want the bond and love that Sheree and Raymond share.  My father has always supported my mother in whatever she wanted to do and my mother who is a big dreamer changed up her game plan from month to month. when she wanted to quit her job my father said sure why not...when she wanted to open a day care my father gave her money to support her idea and when she made that come true she moved on to a wainting go to cosmetology school and open up a salon my father stood right by her side as she made it all happen.  I watched my father stare my mother in the eyes with the same madly in love stare through all her battles with cancer even when she pushed him to move on and find someone else he never left her side. even when we lived in a different location away from my father while they worked out there problems my father continue to come over everyday and do all that a husband and father is suppose to do.  He has always given my mother his best and in return my mother has done the same.  I know that my mother gave up alot to be with my father especially since my grandfather hated him with a passion.  She got pregnant at 17 with my brother and gave up her dream of being a lawyer to be a mother and wife.  While my father worked to better our lives my mother stayed home and raised us without ever looking back. She held my fathers hand through all of his hard times and good ones...and when my father started to give up on himself and dream my mother was the one who pulled him back and helped him reach his goal. And she pulled out of the relationship with my father she said it was only for him to see what really matters in life.

Admire my parents alot for enduring so much with each other and still being madly in love to this day.  In this day in age its rare for a couple to be together for this long....divorce....cheating....separation....money.... is all we hear about now when we talk about marriage. I just want a love as pure and clean as the two people i saw last night cuddled up to each other whispering sweet thought in each other ears and stealing quiet kissing moment when they thought no one was listening.  I just hope and pray that one day that I can share that kind of love with soemone.