My war within #1

I've been battling my weight all of my life, My very first memories of my childhood is being the over weight kid that no one wanted to play with.  I spent most of elementary and middle school years locked up in my room reading books and day dreaming about what life would be like if I had friends.  The only time I had any interaction with the children outside was when my cousins came over or when I played with my brother and his friends. My mother thought i was just shy but I kept to myself to avoid the cruel and harsh things that were being thrown at me beyond the those walls. I remember being 10 years old and putting myself on a diet so i could be just as skinny as my god sister.  I ate almost nothing .just crackers, water and fruit but that crash diet came to a end when i fainted while at cheerleader practice.  Over the next couple of years I put the diet thing on hold and just stayed closed up and alone no sleep overs, birthday parties and play dates..no one ever invited the fat kids to those events. High school came along for me and I walked into my freshman year as the fat girl once again...The first semester I kept myself invisible to the world I didn't sit with all the girl in the cafeteria....didn't flirt with the boys just school and home for me.  I did gain myself one friend that year Raina, she the first person in years who was nice to me, she invited me into her circle and now I had friends. She showed alot of things about being a teenager, she also showed me how to throw up everything that I ate. Yep, I found out overtime that Raina, social butterfly Raina was battling the same weight demon as me but she had found a way to control hers.  The first couple of times of shoving my fingers down my throat was a bust but after trail and error I had mastered it.  I would eat any and everything ...run to the bathroom shortly afterward and pray to the toilet gods, at the time i thought this was the best thing to happen to me. I dropped pants size after pants size, the boys noticed me, I walked with my head up and now I had friends, You couldn't tell me nothing. before I knew it Bulimia had taken over my life, it was all i was doing. When questioned about my actions in the bathroom I denied it ...food missing i denied it I did whatever it took not to get caught. I thought Bulimia was the best thing to ever happen to me, i was reborn long gone was the big clothes now it was the tight jeans and baby Tees.  I didn't even care that by the day i was getting sicker and sicker....my gums hurt...my eyes stayed red... always felt tired and I had a hard time swallowing but hey at that time i didn't really care. All I cared about was the sense of life and freedom it was giving me I was now getting skinny and that's all that really mattered to me.  Summer before my sophomore year is when my illness got the best of me and I was finally found out by my older brother.  For 24 hours my brother watched my habits my frequent trips to the bathroom, larger amount of food I ate he had started to write down every more i made.  One night while standing over the toilet pushing my fingers in my mouth he busted in the bathroom and caught me and of course the fight we had in there alarmed my parent which lead to me being caught.  I ran away that night i knew that now all i had become was coming to an crashing end, they would want me to seek help and that was not an option then. For 3 days I stayed with my much older boyfriend before my bff found me and returned me back to my parent.  I was kin and out of treatment and counseling for the rest of my high school years, it wasn't until college and I met Teddy who taught me how to love and accept myself for who i am..Thanks Teddy!!! Right now present day I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I'm okay with that! I'm happy with who I am and how I look! I can now stand in a mirror and like who I am.  Bulimia is a disorder that I will carry with me and battle for the rest of my life...Everyday i lace up my boxing gloves and refuse to ever let it win again!