My mother has been battling cancer all of my life it seems like.  She has fought hard and defeated it each and every time and not once did she ever say to us "if I don't make it" she always had a positive attitude about cancer and being able to beat it. She shocked me today when she said "Jaz, If I don't make it promise me there will be no sad ass funeral!"  I swear I heard her wrong so I asked her to repeat herself  "if this cancer kills me, promise me there will be no sad ass funeral."   My mother dying is something I try not to think of. My brother's and i can't imagine life without her so we never talk about her and death in the same sentence.  I would like to believe that my parents both will live forever but in reality my mother could lose her life to cancer and I never really recognize it until today.  Maybe I was just living in my own fantasy world and just lead myself to believe that this whole cancer and death thing doesn't exist.  I wanted to pull the car over and sob my heart out at the thought of her not being here next week , next month or next year she is the rock that holds us all up, if she is gone I don't know what we would do.  Its so much she hasn't seen yet my brother graduate from college, Zahree's first day of school, her children getting married I want her to be apart of all off that.  She has never before talked like this ever, never has ever spoken about her funeral or death maybe thats what made it so real.  I asked her if she was giving up an deciding not to fight anymore..she smirked at me a little and said "J, I'm old I don't know if my body can handle this anymore. I'm tired but i haven't given up yet its just too much for me to do first! Like find you a husband and your brother a wife" She wiped my tears from my face as she spoke it, eased the pain a little bit but the thought of cancer taking her away is all to real.  She continued to tell me that she didn't want a all black wearing funeral no sad song, flowering bringing event. No tears, no sad stories about her life and her fight with cancer, she didn't want to be buried in some boring suit that she would never wear on any given day. Instead she wanted a party to celebrate what she had accomplished during her life, no black allowed,no formal funeral wear,  alcohol flowing with her favorite drinks, and island drums playing some Caribbean tunes, and nothing much island food jerk chicken and the works.  And when that is all over you, your brothers, father and the rest of the family have something small so you can grieve in peace but I don't want yall to be sad to long make sure happiness finds you and them too!  Make sure your father keeps his head up and find love once again.=, I don't want him to spend the rest of life alone but make sure you give the bitch hell before you accept her. Just because i can't be here doesn't mean you can't be happy for me, i'll be at peace.  I never wanted to have this conversation with her and tired to fight her off when the words first started to leave her mouth but she kept talking. I knew one day it would come to this but I never wanted it to be today right now, i wanted it to be years from now when she was in her old age, death would be so much easier for me to handle. I asked her why she was telling me this and not my father, she closed her eyes and let one tear fall from her face and said "because you are the strong one and they are going to lean on you for help and if i tried to talk to them about it they would have ended it."  As hard as it is my mother might die from her cancer its more aggressive than last time. Its makes me sick to my stomach thinking that she may die but I love my mother with all my being and if god forbid we loss her I will be be a mess but her wish is my command.