I closed 1 chapter with Que to go back and open another one with DMV b.k.a My love lost.  When my phone rang yesterday and I heard him scream in the phone "Honey, I'm home" my heart skipped a beat and sank all in one moment. I was happy to hear from him because I have missed him but I know the feeling I have for him will just rise right back up.

I told myself after our convo ended that I was not messing around with him this time around, I will not go down the road of heart break again with him.  Thats exactly why I didn't ask him when he was coming to see me or when he was leaving or where he was performing at nothing to even lead me back to where we were last year around this time.  With all that said why am I siting in my kitchen right now and he is in my fridge looking for juice? smh....its all like a blur to me one moment I was washing clothes and the next moment him and I was lying on the couch watching the playoff.  I know what happened I'm weak and just any kind of attention or a reason to be next to him  so when i called and said I'm near your house did yall eat I jumped on it.  he walked in the front door and all those old feelings came rushing back to me fast, I wanted run and jump in his arm but my pride and along with other things just wouldn't let me. Instead I hid my excitement about him being so close to me and focused more on that fact that my son would be so happy to see him.  I tried to keep my distance away from just so he couldn't feel the electricity that was bouncing off of my body every time get close to me. He sat on one couch, i sat in the chair across the room he side eyed my actions but never spoke one word of it until I returned from a bedtime run with Zahree and when I returned my nice escape chair was filled with his belongings jacket, hat, and shoes.  He trapped me and on the couch I was snuggled up with the man who made it perfectly clear to me last year that he just didn't have room in his heart for me his love was with music until further notice.  It felt so right and so wrong to be laid up with him like we had an chance of being like this all the time.  DMV stayed the night and never took himself back home, so here i am sittinf here watching him cook something for us eat and with those same old feeling sitting right here in my chest.  I know the moment I allowed him to come over I brought this all on to myself, just wanted to feel like this thing could maybe work if only for a moment.  I feel like i'm repeating myself all over again with DMV, our situation is totally different from Que and I but the disappointment is still the same. we are going to spend these couple of days together, party together and sleep together and he will be gone in all aspects of gone.  I guess for now I'll hold onto what he gives me currently to what he makes me feel right now. because as soon as he leave this space next time will be empty.  its like the same story different chapter, The only two men I have ever felt more than just right now feeling for just don't have a place for me. Why do I always want the things I can't have?!?