Que.....

I told myself when this morning when i boarded this flight that I was going to Atlanta for business and business only but thats was just a lie to coach myself into finding a reason to be in GA... I also had to convince myself that so I could convince my father, who also my boss business was the reason i need to be here. Of course I'm going to do a little bit of work here and there but the reason I am here is laying next to me as I write.


Year after year i tell myself that I am not doing this anymore with him and year after year i'm right back in Ga  or where ever he is doing it all over again. This has been going on years 10 years to be exact.  I don't know why i keep entertaining this charade but i do. Maybe because he is one of the few men who isn't intimated by my success...I think i read  somewhere today "the more successful a woman is, the harder it is to find a man" and you know what i think thats true and  why i keep putting myself on his roller coaster with him.  I have let him interfere in alot of my relationships in the past from my first high school love to my son's father..he Que has been somewhere around. because of that i never tell him about any new man in my life or if i met someone because thats when all the "Jaz I love you...we need to be together" starts only to lead me away from whomever and focus on him more which means that he then will say i don't think this is a good time for us to be together...Ask me how many times that has happen?!? more than i can count.  You would think that after the 100th time i would give up but i guess i'm gluten for punishment.  I think i keep running back to him because he is one the few men who isn't intimidated by my success because he chasing his own success. i read somewhere that He  sees beyond these 4 inch heels and power suits to the fast car loving, sports junky , Nike wearing chick I truly am. But even with all that , this is just a game that we are playing. I'll work a litlle while i"m here spend whatever time with him..shopping, eating partying and of course fucking Que will make it all about me..no cell phone ringing, laptop popping, or anything else...fill me up with all that sweet talk about how we need to be and etc then i'll head back home and Que will drop me out of mind until he thinks that I'm seeing someone else then he will come back in ...over and over again that is what we do. I was once asked by my brother if i felt like i owed him something because Que has done so much for me and my son in the past but honestly no thats not it...maybe its just i want something that i know i will never have.  I thought I was over him thats when i was with my son's father we had so much going on that i didn't have time to think of him....but i lied to myself I would have left my son's father at any given moment to be with him. Que and I haven't been a couple in years  we were teenagers when our little fling was going on so in our late twenties this has just become the way we work. A way that i told him that i would get tired of one day and his reply to that was" by the time that happens we will be getting married" See its those comments that keep me coming back for more over and over again. ..Its like a continuing circle it never ends with him...He knows what to say just to jeep around alittle while longer.